Lake Huron, PA (July 14, 2013) – Yesterday several
long-standing visiting day records were shattered at Camp Huron Lake in scenic
Wayne County, Pennsylvania. As
hundreds of male-driven cars lined the rural roads anxiously waiting to enter
the camp, mothers of the overly-indulged semetic group of children stretched
out their quads, calves, and deltoids in eager anticipation of the gate
opening. At approximately 9:57am Camp
America staff personnel Ian Smith opened the metal silver gate and Hilary
Schwartzenstein of Short Hills, NJ, armed with a candy cake weighing 12 pounds
sprinted up hill to her daughter Emily’s Bunk 26 in 17.53 seconds obliterating
her record set in 2009.
“I’ve been working with Julio at the gym for the past 12
months just to try to bring my time down a few seconds from last year. I knew that the candy cake was going to slow
me down a bit so I tried to load it up with less dense candies like Skittles
and Air Heads and staying away from the heavier peanut buttery stuff. It paid off!
Thank you, Julio for the training and thanks to Annie from “Candy Warhol”
for the fantastic cake…the twelve year olds loved it…until that little bitch
Ally Weiner told the other girls they’d get fat if they ate anymore,” exclaimed
an obviously proud yet frustrated Schwartzenstein.
On Boys’ Side, impressive records were also set. Attorney Eric Horowitz of Marlboro, NJ,
father of Jake, 9, absolutely crushed the mark for most Cupcakes by Melissa
eaten in a three hour span with 57 besting the old record set by his brother,
Matt last year. After Horowitz’s wife,
Rachel, left the corned beef and extra lean pastrami on the roof of the car as
she packed up a candy cake from local vendor “Sweets, Treats, and Meats”, he
knew it was going to be a long afternoon.
“Around noon I started to feel a pang in the pit of my
stomach and all we brought was that damn candy cake and 80 of the mini Cupcakes
by Melissa. They’re really small so I
was popping them in like M&M’s and before I knew it half of those tasty fuckin’
things were gone. I opened up the second
plastic case and just started going to town while Jake and my wife were waiting
on line to swing on the trapeze. Before
I knew it only 23 were left when I returned from vomiting in Bunk 11.”
Also on Boys’ Side another long-standing record was handily
beaten when two mothers were seen mopping the floor of Bunk 14 setting a new
mark of most Jewish women cleaning within 100 feet of each other as well as
most Jewish women cleaning at the same time.
Lisa Bernstein, mother of Jake, 10 and Erica Heinstein, mother of Jake,
10, were both seen vigorously mopping the area around their sons’ beds a little
before 3 pm. Although neither looked
like they had ever touched a mop before, they scrubbed for a total of 37 seconds. Heinstein, from New Rochelle, NY brought a
spongy mop from home that had never been opened by Juanita, her cleaning woman
of seven years. “I wet the mop with
water then scrubbed the floor pretty hard for 10 seconds before one of the
other mothers told me to take the plastic off the mop head. It made a big difference as I spread the dirt
from under my son’s bed to the bed next to his.”
Bernstein, also a newbie to the art of cleaning, used her
Swiffer with baby wipes. “I wanted to
make sure all the crap I sent my son, Jake, up with was nice and clean. If the wipes are good enough for his ass,
they’re certainly good enough to clean his Archie’s and Mad Libs.”
The last record of the day was broken only four minutes
before Visiting Day’s end. The mark for
the Most Jews Bragging About their Child/Car/Job/More Successful Friend reached
894, the exact number of parents who attended the day-long event easily beating
last year’s mark of 812. Josh Goldman,
father of Jake, Bunk 21 summed up the day perfectly. “My son Jake who’s an incredible baseball
player, and I love to take the convertible down to my office on Park Ave then
hit a restaurant that my buddy, Seth, owns in TriBeCa. You oughta come one time.”
Fellow Bunk 21 father, Rob Kaufenberg, parent to Jake, 11,
replied, “What was your name, again?”
Next year’s Visiting Day at Camp Huron Lake will undoubtedly
see many of these records fall.
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