Home Depot, Lowes Sold Out of 3/8 Inch Hex Nuts as Hanukkah Arrives

East Hanover, NJ (Dec 17, 2014) – Big box hardware behemoths, Home Depot and Lowes, have once again completely sold out their entire supplies of 3/8 inch hex nuts for the 31^st consecutive December.  The shortage of these hardware staples, around since 1568, seems to coincide each year with Hanukkah, the Jewish Festival of Lights.  Industry analysts have been puzzled for decades as to what the correlation is between the holiday and the shortage.

“I’ve been an exec at Home Depot for twenty years and I still can’t figure it out,” laments John McConnell, Senior Sales Executive and Notre Dame Graduate, of Greenwich, Connecticut.  “Some years the run on hex nuts begins in early December, some years it’s the middle of the month.  Last year it was right after Thanksgiving.  Never the exact same time.  I’ve been studying my “Great Churches of the World” desk calendar for months and just don’t see anything on it that would cause this.”

Carpenters, handymen, and craftspeople around metropolitan hubs New York, Chicago and Los Angeles have been struggling to find hex nuts to go with the hundreds of thousands of bolts and washers they use on a daily basis.  Local artisan, William Petricelli of Roseland, has created dozens of hand-crafted custom wooden rockers to be shipped to customers in time for Christmas.  Unfortunately for his clients, Petricelli cannot complete any of his items without properly securing the pieces together.  “I’ve tried all kinds of glues, tapes, nails but nothing works for me like the nut and bolt combination.  Without the nut, the bolt is pretty useless.   It’s like peanut butter without the jelly,” a disheartened and frustrated Petricelli explained. 

While a myriad of professionals struggle to make deadlines and complete projects, thousands of Jewish children around the country are creating horribly constructed, overly glittered, personalized menorahs to the dismay of their parents.  Usually starting with a piece of scrap wood or a simple tongue depressor, the children use ten bolts as candle holders, eight representing the nights of Hanukkah and two stacked together for the Shamash or “middle candle”.  Rarely are these menorahs true works of art as the children, ages 2-6, usually put on an overabundance of glue to each nut which results in it sliding out of line with the other nuts.  Before the glue even has a chance to dry, the little girls typically pour on a half to three quarters of a jar of glitter while boys tend to over-marker their projects by starting with a few bright colors which eventually blend with the glue to meld into a dark brownish tint.

When these “precious works of art” come home with the budding Marc Chagalls, parents enthusiastically overreact to the “beauty” of these atrocious monstrosities.  Livingston real estate agent, Jon Lieberman, 37, recently was gifted a menorah by his six year-old son, Jake.  “When I came home from work it was there on the kitchen island.  It honestly scared me.  It looked like a dead animal.  My wife said it’s our new menorah that Jake made.  As I hugged him, telling him how much I loved his work, I mouthed to my wife ‘It’s disgusting, no?’  She looked at me in tears and sobbed ’Our son is a no talent hack.’”

After Horrific Summer Home with Kids, Mother Keeps Vow to Blow Bus Driver on First Day of School

Morristown, NJ (Sept 4, 2014) – Fed up with entertaining her three whiny, bitchy children all of July and August, single mother Andrea Smith of Morristown followed through on her promise that she’ll be so happy she’ll “blow the fuckin’ bus driver on the first day of school”.   Smith’s summer of hell mercifully came to a close at 7:43 am as her kids boarded the bus to begin the 2014-2015 school year. 

During two brutal months home with three elementary-aged children, Smith repeatedly told her closest confidants that she was going to perform felatio on the school bus driver due to her extreme happiness and relief when her kids go back to school.  Smith, a very sexually conservative 39-year old, had enough of making three different lunches every day, planning play dates with neighborhood kids, and cleaning sand out of her children’s private areas after several trips to the local lake.  After a week with her parents and gaggle of nieces and nephews at a two-bedroom rental in Manasquan, Smith upped her daily wine consumption to three quarters of a bottle just to get through the day just to “take the edge off”. 

The highlight of the summer was when her two youngest children butted heads on a neighbor’s trampoline and were knocked unconscious.  After spending nearly twelve hours in the emergency room, Smith was seen in the parking lot repeatedly muttering through clenched teeth, “No joke…I’m gonna blow the bus driver once these little pieces of shit go back to school.  I swear, God, if you give me the strength to get through to September 4^th, I’m going to make that driver see stars.”

Morristown Elementary bus driver Chuck Lazzeri was all too happy to return to Smith’s home to enjoy his back to school BJ.  “I usually get a gift card to Dunkin’ Donuts but, like most 63-year old widowers, I’ll take a hummer over a cup of coffee any day of the week,” he commented as he pulled up his pants before going back to school to pick the kids up for afternoon dropoff. 

After orally pleasuring Lazzeri, Smith called the school to enroll the kids in the school after care program and enjoyed an eight-hour nap. 

Lake Accidentally Drained During Bucket Brigade

Lake Huron, PA (Aug 10, 2014) – A typo on the Color War Bucket Brigade rules made by Camp Huron Lake secretary Diane Abraham led to an unbelievably unfortunate event yesterday morning as Huron Lake was accidentally drained.  Instead of the rules calling for each team to fill up one garbage can with lake water, Abraham, while taking a call from a mother concerned that her son was wearing the same shirt five days in a row, accidentally held down the “1” key on her keyboard and erroneously entered the number “111,111”.   

The Bucket Brigade is a competition where several members of each team are stationed in the lake filling up buckets of water to pass down a line of team members who then dump any remaining water into a designated receptacle. The person who empties the bucket then sprints back to the lake with the bucket to fill up again.  

“All campers know the rules are the rules and in order for Color War to be fair, those rules must be followed,” remarked Camp Director Marty Feldstein.   After a grueling 22 hours, the Red Twizzlers finally defeated the Yellow Starbursts to gain a valuable five points in the competition to cut the overall deficit to 1,245 points.  

The garbage cans filled with water were then dumped away from the lake flooding farm land and several houses.  Tomorrow, Feldstein plans on turning the empty lake into a 220,000 square foot Gaga Pit. 

Apache Nation Offended by Ridiculous Relay Race Bearing Name

Dulce, New Mexico (August 9, 2014) - Chief Cochise, leader of the Native American Apache tribe held a morning press conference yesterday denouncing the use of the name “Apache” to represent an absurd relay race involving campers across the land stolen from his ancestors.  Cochise, who spoke in his native South Athabaskan language, was translated by local anthropologist, Len Harris. 

The Apache relay has been a staple of sleep away camp Color Wars for decades.  The race is made up of dozens of different stations or activities which a team must complete before passing the baton or other symbolic token to the next person in the relay.  Some examples of Apache Relay activities include making two basketball shots in a row, putting one’s forehead on a baseball bat and spinning around one hundred times then attempting to run fifty feet, wrapping a fellow camper in toilet paper, and a three-legged backwards walk.   

Through his interpreter, Chief Cochise strongly commented, “We are a proud group of people, warriors, in fact, that deserve to be regarded in a much higher esteem.  For centuries, my people have lived off this great land and provided a life for generations through hard work and a lasting heritage.  Never has my tribe had a race where a girl passes an apple to another girl using only our mouths.  Furthermore, I cannot repeat this enough, we have never, I mean, never, had one of our male tribe members dress up like a woman and run three laps around a track wearing high heels and a bra stuffed with water balloons!”

Camp to Use Lanyard for Tug of War After Ropes Set Ablaze During Rope Burn

Lake Huron (August 9, 2014) – Camp Huron Lake Director Marty Feldstein decided to hold the 2014 Color War Rope Burn the night before the divisional Tugs of War for the first time in camp history.  While this seemed like a fairly innocuous change of schedule, the Tug of War ropes were burned leaving the Arts & Crafts department scrambling to create a 120 foot combination Cobra/Chinese Staircase stitch lanyard thick enough to withstand the pulling torque of fifty maniacal campers each tug.  

After the monumental gaffe by Feldstein, the crack Arts & Crafts department worked tirelessly through the night to create the biggest lanyard on record in Wayne County, Pennsylvania.  The first tug of the day featured the Sophomore Girls who grabbed the lanyard, sprinted with it back to their bunk area, then proceeded to cut off key chain- sized sections to be sold later outside the Social Hall.