National Weather Service: Mysterious Sustained Wind Gust at 8:07 Determined to be Collective Sigh of Relief as Kids Return to School

Randolph, NJ (Sept 9) – On a gorgeous autumn-like morning, a powerful 65-mile per hour wind that blew through Randolph Township for nearly fifteen minutes was determined by the National Weather Service to be a collective sigh of relief from hundreds of area parents as children were boarding the bus for their first day of school.  No serious damage has been reported but several parents were out of breath and giddy with reclaimed freedom while others were already visibly drunk by 9:30 am.

As parents of kindergarten students cried at the sight of their precious little babies boarding the bus for the first of thousands of life-sapping rides to school, veteran bus stop parents hugged and sobbed with tears of joy anticipating seven hours and fourteen minutes of uninterrupted time to read, shop, eat, and most importantly, breathe without their little pains in the ass bugging the ever-loving shit out of them every three fuckin’ seconds. 

With the buses barely out of sight, mothers instantly looked ten years younger as wrinkles disappeared, breasts perked up, and stomachs flattened.  For stay-at-home dads, gray, thinning hair was almost non-existent replaced by thick, lustrous locks for at least the next seven or so hours.  Several local nail salons were even importing dozens of new workers in order to accommodate the frenzy of long-awaited manicure appointments delayed an extra week by the Jewish New Year.

For most mothers, killing off the three weeks, five days and eleven hours that separate the end of camp and the beginning of the school year can seem like an unbelievably arduous uphill battle.  “How many damn times do I have to take my kids to see this stupid Smurf 2 movie.  I know, I know…Gargamel hates these little blue pieces of shit.  I got it the first ten times!” exclaimed Jon Goldstein, parent of a first and third grader who took his kids to a movie four counties away to kill some extra time.

Lori Burns, mother of two elementary school students, had a slightly different approach.  “I like to get into my workout clothes, take the kids with me to the gym and drop them off at the complementary babysitting room.  I’ll lift a weight or two then tell the guy at the front that I forgot my water or Lulu headband in the car then sneak off with some of my friends for a few hours of ‘me’ time at the movies, shopping at the mall, and some lunch. The amount of walking I do is the same as if I’m on the treadmill at the gym for an hour so technically I’m working out.”

Another way several area mothers were able to “bridge this excruciatingly excessive three-plus week gap” was to take long, time-zone traversing trips to the west coast.   “I went out to California for two weeks to ‘see my family’,” said long-time resident, Mary O’Donnell as she gave the air quotes sign, “but the main reason was that by coming back east I gained three extra hours of time before the kids went back to school.  I know I lost time on the way out but I gave them a few teaspoons of adult-strength Benadryl on the plane so they slept the entire flight.  I read a good four hours uninterrupted and did an hour and a half of in-your-seat pilates.“

Parent of fifth grade twin girls, Jen Winston, said Monday September 9^th has been circled on her calendar since June 23rd, the last day of the spring semester.  “I love my girls more than anything in the world, but I love them just a tiny drop more when they’re in school and not glomming all over me asking me to take them places,” she explained as she and friend Erin Murphy enjoyed a Back to School celebratory 6 ounce double cookies and cream frozen yogurt from local hangout Yo-Yo Ma a few towns over.

With the children back at school, area parents will now focus on neglecting long-overdue projects and activities such as cleaning out the hall closet, documenting and scrapbooking Grandma’s 80^th birthday extravaganza, having sex with his/her spouse, organizing last year’s school artwork, getting in better shape, and painting the downstairs bathroom. 

The Farmers’ Almanac is predicting a similar weather pattern next year on September 6^th.   Area meteorologists warn residents to stay inside and tie down any loose deck furniture and valuables. 

Area Mothers Get Their, um, Kids’ Teachers for Upcoming School Year

Randolph, NJ (Aug 25) – For the past 20 years, the Wednesday before Labor Day has been anticipated as much as any day of the calendar year.  It has become the unofficial beginning to the school year as local mothers camp out at their mailboxes awaiting the letter from the school district to inform them who they, I mean their kids, will have for the new school year. 

The frenzy that ensues is a maddening mix of hysteria and joy all depending on which teacher’s name is written on that 8x11 piece of paper.   Local telecommunications giants AT&T and Verizon add extra cell phone bandwith to ensure the estimated 10.7 million calls and text messages will be sent and received between approximately 400 mothers over the days following the mailing.  One mother of two students, Jan Woodel, even installs an additional landline just in case the cell grids get overloaded.  “I can’t take the chance that I won’t be able to get in touch with everyone.  With two kids, I feel like it’s double the work to figure out exactly who’s in each class!”

This annual ritual runs a gamut of emotions, ranging from the elation of their children returning to school after two or sometimes even three grueling weeks at home since the end of camp to the impending doom of having to do homework, book reports, and possibly shoebox dioramas.  Depending on the teacher mothers get for the year, it could be a school year they wish would never begin.  Area mother, Allyson Stein (kids Jake, 5^th grade, Dani, 2^nd grade) is already bracing for a laborious school year.  “We have O’Malley for 5^th and I heard she’s a real tough disciplinarian but thankfully doesn’t assign weekend homework.  For 2^nd, Dani and I have Mrs. Finkelstein who I think used to be Miss Pasquariello who Jake and I didn’t have when he was in 2^nd.  I heard she loads the work on in the beginning of the year but since she’s now a “Finkelstein” I’m assuming she may be busy with the Jewish holidays at her in-laws this year.  I’m praying that’s the case.”

As mothers are burdened with the pressures of homework, manicure appointments and gym training sessions are canceled in favor of reviewing elementary math and social studies while summer reading erotica is eschewed in favor of reading up on popular “Wacky School” stories like “Miss LeShore is a Whore” and “Mr. Fife Beats his Wife”.    Many moms are complaining privately among each other about the amount of homework they get assigned every night.  Stein shares the sentiments of her entire social circle.  “Last year, it seemed that bitch, (4^th grade teacher Jill) McMahon, was assigning essays just to keep us moms busy if there was nothing else to do.  And she never once gave me, er, Jake, higher than a B+ on any report or diorama.  I did a diorama with about 37 tips I got on Pinterest and still only got a B.  I was pissed.  Not sure Jake knew about the assignment, though.”

After accumulating lists of all the students’ teacher assignments from Mrs. Woodel, Mrs. Stein distributes the unofficial ledger to the community days before the school begins in an effort to aid the formation of parent study teams and advocate groups to ensure they won’t be assigned too much work and face unreasonable deadlines. 

When asked about his feelings about the start of the school year, Mrs. Stein’s husband, Jon, responded, “What grade are the kids in again?”