National Weather Service: Mysterious Sustained Wind Gust at 8:07 Determined to be Collective Sigh of Relief as Kids Return to School

Randolph, NJ (Sept 9) – On a gorgeous autumn-like morning, a powerful 65-mile per hour wind that blew through Randolph Township for nearly fifteen minutes was determined by the National Weather Service to be a collective sigh of relief from hundreds of area parents as children were boarding the bus for their first day of school.  No serious damage has been reported but several parents were out of breath and giddy with reclaimed freedom while others were already visibly drunk by 9:30 am.

As parents of kindergarten students cried at the sight of their precious little babies boarding the bus for the first of thousands of life-sapping rides to school, veteran bus stop parents hugged and sobbed with tears of joy anticipating seven hours and fourteen minutes of uninterrupted time to read, shop, eat, and most importantly, breathe without their little pains in the ass bugging the ever-loving shit out of them every three fuckin’ seconds. 

With the buses barely out of sight, mothers instantly looked ten years younger as wrinkles disappeared, breasts perked up, and stomachs flattened.  For stay-at-home dads, gray, thinning hair was almost non-existent replaced by thick, lustrous locks for at least the next seven or so hours.  Several local nail salons were even importing dozens of new workers in order to accommodate the frenzy of long-awaited manicure appointments delayed an extra week by the Jewish New Year.

For most mothers, killing off the three weeks, five days and eleven hours that separate the end of camp and the beginning of the school year can seem like an unbelievably arduous uphill battle.  “How many damn times do I have to take my kids to see this stupid Smurf 2 movie.  I know, I know…Gargamel hates these little blue pieces of shit.  I got it the first ten times!” exclaimed Jon Goldstein, parent of a first and third grader who took his kids to a movie four counties away to kill some extra time.

Lori Burns, mother of two elementary school students, had a slightly different approach.  “I like to get into my workout clothes, take the kids with me to the gym and drop them off at the complementary babysitting room.  I’ll lift a weight or two then tell the guy at the front that I forgot my water or Lulu headband in the car then sneak off with some of my friends for a few hours of ‘me’ time at the movies, shopping at the mall, and some lunch. The amount of walking I do is the same as if I’m on the treadmill at the gym for an hour so technically I’m working out.”

Another way several area mothers were able to “bridge this excruciatingly excessive three-plus week gap” was to take long, time-zone traversing trips to the west coast.   “I went out to California for two weeks to ‘see my family’,” said long-time resident, Mary O’Donnell as she gave the air quotes sign, “but the main reason was that by coming back east I gained three extra hours of time before the kids went back to school.  I know I lost time on the way out but I gave them a few teaspoons of adult-strength Benadryl on the plane so they slept the entire flight.  I read a good four hours uninterrupted and did an hour and a half of in-your-seat pilates.“

Parent of fifth grade twin girls, Jen Winston, said Monday September 9^th has been circled on her calendar since June 23rd, the last day of the spring semester.  “I love my girls more than anything in the world, but I love them just a tiny drop more when they’re in school and not glomming all over me asking me to take them places,” she explained as she and friend Erin Murphy enjoyed a Back to School celebratory 6 ounce double cookies and cream frozen yogurt from local hangout Yo-Yo Ma a few towns over.

With the children back at school, area parents will now focus on neglecting long-overdue projects and activities such as cleaning out the hall closet, documenting and scrapbooking Grandma’s 80^th birthday extravaganza, having sex with his/her spouse, organizing last year’s school artwork, getting in better shape, and painting the downstairs bathroom. 

The Farmers’ Almanac is predicting a similar weather pattern next year on September 6^th.   Area meteorologists warn residents to stay inside and tie down any loose deck furniture and valuables.