Visiting Day Records Smashed at Camp Huron Lake

Lake Huron, PA (July 14, 2013) – Yesterday several long-standing visiting day records were shattered at Camp Huron Lake in scenic Wayne County, Pennsylvania.    As hundreds of male-driven cars lined the rural roads anxiously waiting to enter the camp, mothers of the overly-indulged semetic group of children stretched out their quads, calves, and deltoids in eager anticipation of the gate opening.  At approximately 9:57am Camp America staff personnel Ian Smith opened the metal silver gate and Hilary Schwartzenstein of Short Hills, NJ, armed with a candy cake weighing 12 pounds sprinted up hill to her daughter Emily’s Bunk 26 in 17.53 seconds obliterating her record set in 2009.   

“I’ve been working with Julio at the gym for the past 12 months just to try to bring my time down a few seconds from last year.  I knew that the candy cake was going to slow me down a bit so I tried to load it up with less dense candies like Skittles and Air Heads and staying away from the heavier peanut buttery stuff.  It paid off!  Thank you, Julio for the training and thanks to Annie from “Candy Warhol” for the fantastic cake…the twelve year olds loved it…until that little bitch Ally Weiner told the other girls they’d get fat if they ate anymore,” exclaimed an obviously proud yet frustrated Schwartzenstein.   

On Boys’ Side, impressive records were also set.  Attorney Eric Horowitz of Marlboro, NJ, father of Jake, 9, absolutely crushed the mark for most Cupcakes by Melissa eaten in a three hour span with 57 besting the old record set by his brother, Matt last year.  After Horowitz’s wife, Rachel, left the corned beef and extra lean pastrami on the roof of the car as she packed up a candy cake from local vendor “Sweets, Treats, and Meats”, he knew it was going to be a long afternoon. 

“Around noon I started to feel a pang in the pit of my stomach and all we brought was that damn candy cake and 80 of the mini Cupcakes by Melissa.  They’re really small so I was popping them in like M&M’s and before I knew it half of those tasty fuckin’ things were gone.  I opened up the second plastic case and just started going to town while Jake and my wife were waiting on line to swing on the trapeze.   Before I knew it only 23 were left when I returned from vomiting in Bunk 11.”

Also on Boys’ Side another long-standing record was handily beaten when two mothers were seen mopping the floor of Bunk 14 setting a new mark of most Jewish women cleaning within 100 feet of each other as well as most Jewish women cleaning at the same time.  Lisa Bernstein, mother of Jake, 10 and Erica Heinstein, mother of Jake, 10, were both seen vigorously mopping the area around their sons’ beds a little before 3 pm.  Although neither looked like they had ever touched a mop before, they scrubbed for a total of 37 seconds.  Heinstein, from New Rochelle, NY brought a spongy mop from home that had never been opened by Juanita, her cleaning woman of seven years.  “I wet the mop with water then scrubbed the floor pretty hard for 10 seconds before one of the other mothers told me to take the plastic off the mop head.  It made a big difference as I spread the dirt from under my son’s bed to the bed next to his.”

Bernstein, also a newbie to the art of cleaning, used her Swiffer with baby wipes.  “I wanted to make sure all the crap I sent my son, Jake, up with was nice and clean.  If the wipes are good enough for his ass, they’re certainly good enough to clean his Archie’s and Mad Libs.”

The last record of the day was broken only four minutes before Visiting Day’s end.  The mark for the Most Jews Bragging About their Child/Car/Job/More Successful Friend reached 894, the exact number of parents who attended the day-long event easily beating last year’s mark of 812.   Josh Goldman, father of Jake, Bunk 21 summed up the day perfectly.  “My son Jake who’s an incredible baseball player, and I love to take the convertible down to my office on Park Ave then hit a restaurant that my buddy, Seth, owns in TriBeCa.  You oughta come one time.” 

Fellow Bunk 21 father, Rob Kaufenberg, parent to Jake, 11, replied, “What was your name, again?”

Next year’s Visiting Day at Camp Huron Lake will undoubtedly see many of these records fall.