Lozenge Cure for Heat Stroke, Fractured Pelvis, Torn ACL at Camp Infirmary

Lake Huron, PA (July 28, 2014) – It seems as the summer season rolls along, more and more campers are visiting the Camp Huron Lake Infirmary, lead by head nurse Rita Margolitz, RN.  Margolitz, a forty year veteran of the rustic oasis that is Huron Lake, has seen every injury, ailment, and sickness known to man.  And for every single camper that steps through the swinging door of the infirmary, she has a simple, yet unbelievably effective method of treatment: the throat lozenge. 

The throat lozenge is a medicated tablet intended to be dissolved slowly in the mouth to temporarily stop coughs and lubricate and soothe irritated tissues of the throat possibly from a cold or the flu.  Lozenges can be purchased over the counter at any of a number of pharmacies throughout North America.

Her methods have been questioned for years by the New England Journal of Medicine but what cannot be are the results Margolitz has been getting for four decades in the camping world.  Some of the world’s leading health care experts call this Orthodox Jewish nurse’s approach “completely and unequivocally unorthodox”.  Others think she may be on a string of luck or the recipient of Devine intervention for close to half a century.  But to Margolitz, diagnosis and treatment are quite simple. 

“When someone walks through the infirmary door, I go through a quick checklist.  First, I lecture them on the dangers of smoking by pointing out several dated posters that sarcastically show how glamorous and sophisticated smoking is, then we discuss the patient’s ailment.  After that, I go into my top drawer, pop a lozenge through the foil packaging and administer it to the patient.  Usually, the camper will watch some TV in an air conditioned room and within an hour or so they’re back to normal and on their way,” explained Margolitz.  “There’s really not much to it.”

The list of ailments treated so far this summer by a lozenge include a 104 degree fever, strained ligaments in a camper’s elbow, a torn ACL after a fall from a balance beam, a ruptured spleen, menstrual cramps, and the West Nile virus.

In the second week of the summer, Inter Boy Jake Gerstein, 12, from Marlboro, NJ shattered his femur attempting to jump from his top bunk to bunkmate’s Jake Schwartz’s bed approximately twenty-two feet away. He was rushed to the infirmary by his counselors and bunkmates, all concerned that Gerstein would pass out on the way.  After a healthy dose of lozenges, he spent the night in a cold sweat as his upper leg turned purple due to insufficient blood flow to the area and he developed a near deadly fever.  Drifting in and out of consciousness, a second round of lozenges was given in the middle of the night and he was released the next morning by Margolitz who had declared him “cured”.   “My thigh bone feels better than it did before I broke it,” said Gerstein.  “I think I may be able dunk now.”

Super Senior Boy camper Jake Shapiro, complaining of a sore throat, recently returned to his bunk after a quick trip to see Nurse Margolitz.  “I was expecting a lozenge but for some reason she put a knee brace on my elbow…not really sure why but I feel great,” a confused and clear-throated Shapiro commented. 

Goldie Vomits All Over Bunk After Eating Three Weeks Worth of Sugar in Four-Hour Span

Huron Lake, Pa (July 19, 2014) – With the exception of ten bowls of Golden Grahams cereal consumed in the "Goldie" competition, he hadn’t eaten anything with fructose, glucose, or corn syrup for nearly three weeks, so when Junior Boy camper Jake "Goldie" Goldenberg of Merrick, NY, received a candy-coated oversized tennis racquet from his parents on Visiting Day, his body was not equipped to handle the oncoming tidal wave of sugar.  No one could have possibly anticipated the horror that would unfold only seconds before his parents left to go home.

It was a beautiful day at Camp Huron Lake as parents lined up just outside the camp’s gates eagerly awaiting reunions with their children.  Once the proverbial flood gates opened, Jake’s mother, Elisa, ran to Bunk 11 with candy and bunk junk in hand.  As she reached the bunk porch, she was tackled by frothing-at-the-mouth Jake who ravenously grabbed the candy tennis racquet, yelled “Gimme bitch!”  He then retreated back inside the bunk like a mouse scampering back into its hole while his mother lay semi-conscious in the dirt under some damp towels on the outside lines. 

Jake began to work on the racquet handle made up of Gummi Bears and Gummi Worms.  After polishing them off in six minutes he started to work on the mini Three Musketeers on the shaft of the racquet quickly devouring between fifteen and twenty bars.  Just as his mother began to regain consciousness, his father, Jon, arrived after parking the car and feted him with a box of twenty-eight black and white cookies spelling out “Camp Huron Lake.  We love you Jake!”

After thanking his father for the cookies then quickly brushing him aside, Jake got back to work devouring the licorice strings of the racquet then hastily munched on the outer edge adorned with packages of Sour Patch Kids and Reese’s Pieces.  Letting out some foul-smelling anal acoustics, Jake then passed out on his bed in a two and a half hour sugar-induced coma.  While his father accompanied his mother to the infirmary to check out his mother’s head wound and possible concussion, Jake rested comfortably waiting to continue the candy onslaught.  

The afternoon siesta ended as Jake woke up from a horrible nightmare that Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula were choking him to death.  Wasting no time once awake, the ten year-old went to town on the cookies.   Unlike his childhood hero, Sesame Street’s Cookie Monster, Jake not only chewed all twenty-eight cookies, but he actually swallowed and digested them too.  As his stomach growled and he hunched over with sharp intestinal pains, the boy yelled out to everyone, “Everyone out of the bunk!!  You’ll thank me later!!”, grabbed an Archie comic book and did a dead sprint to the first bathroom stall.

A lengthy cleaning out of his bowels led Jake to scarf down a one-pound package of Oreos and washed it down with a six-pack of diet Mountain Dew.  As visiting day came to a close and Jake’s counselors were kindly ushering the parents out of the bunk area, Jake let out a 115 decibel (approximately equal to that of a rock concert) burp, vomited all over his bunkmate’s bed and the surrounding floor, then passed out again.   His parents, witnessing this unfortunate event, quickly rushed to their car to escape any responsibility.  “We pay a lot of money for him to go to this camp.  There’s no way I’m cleaning up after him.  Hell, it wasn’t even his bed he yakked on,” explained Jon as he jumped through the open window into the car leaving his concussed wife in his dust. “It was still a better day than we expected.”

Midget Rec to be Renamed “Little Person” Center

Lake Huron, PA (July 22, 2014) – Under pressure from various human rights groups and organizations, Camp Huron Lake has decided to finally change the name of its beloved yet politically incorrect Midget Rec to “The Little Person Center for Cinema and Losing Maccabean Games Banners” (LPCCLMGB).  

In a press release from Camp Director Marty Feldstein: “The Midget Rec has been a part of the Huron Lake family for many years.  My son watched the Little Mermaid on VHS for the first time in that 30x10 room and a few summers after that, touched his first female breast while his best friend’s foot was only inches away from his face.  His artwork is also immortalized here when he had a hand in creating of one of the crappiest Mac banners ever as a Provost for the Forces of Gilbert Gottfried in 1998.  Although the final chapter to the Midget Rec is complete, I look forward to years of rainy day Club Snatch and decades old movies.”

Group Leader Jake Kapferberg: “There’s no way I’m asking for an evening activity at The Little Person Center for Cinema and Losing Maccabean Games Banners.  Oh well, I guess I’ll bring the boys to Hebe Hall.”

Mother Shows Love through Visiting Day Candy Monstrosity

Huron Lake, PA (July 19, 2014) She claims to love her daughter more than any mother has ever loved a child.  She says she misses her daughter more than what is humanly possible.  And because this love or the bond between parent and child or the heartache felt when missing a loved one cannot possibly be measured, Jenna Silverberg, for Visiting Day, brought daughter and first-year Camp Huron Lake Junior Girl Sami Silverberg of Scarsdale, New York a monstrous, horrific candy structure to quantify and prove to the families of Sami’s bunkmates just how strong her feelings are toward her
offspring.

The plan was set in motion in early January as Silverberg partnered with local architect, James Baird as well as her nearby Costco in order to take advantage of bulk savings.  After rejecting several prototypes from Baird’s firm, Silverberg settled on a six-foot high titanium steel alloy structure that allowed for maximum candy placement and minimum added weight.  Additionally, the ginormous “Taj Mahal” of candy cakes featured seven hundred bags of Skittles that represent all the colors that her daughter likes, 13,500 Hershey kisses because that’s the approximate number of kisses she gives her daughter every week, and 16,000 pieces of Laffy Taffy since Sami loves to laugh when her mother isn’t constantly hovering over her. 

The bottom tier of the cake was comprised of five hundred packs of Starbursts to help reinforce the upper tiers.  The mid tiers included over 100,000 M & M’s, 12,000 Air Heads, and 850 packs of Oreos. She and her husband, Saul, a doctor specializing in diabetes, even rented a special trailer to transport the ridiculous behemoth 6.2 million calorie atrocity.  “I love my Sami more than anything in the world so I wanted to make sure she knew I didn’t forget about her these past three weeks,” confessed Silverberg, “Other than sending her three to five letters a day, there’s no better way to show my love than to spend $17,000 on candy for her and her bunkmates that will get thrown away after a day and a half.”

The candy cake did not, however, fit into Sami’s Bunk 6 so it was placed on the Girls’ Side lawn where many younger siblings climbed all over it like a jungle gym.  Unfortunately, four year-old visitor, Jake Steinberg fell off tier 5 and sprained his wrist when he landed on a bed of Ring Pops while one grandfather broke a crown biting into a Jolly Rancher.

A rumor floating around the weekend festivities is that Camp Director Marty Feldstein will ban candy next Visiting Day.  Many of the camp parents have been scrambling to figure out what items to bring their children so they can outdo the other parents.

Girl with Webbed Feet Sweeps Swim Meet

Lake Huron, Pa (July 14, 2014) – The Camp Pine Woods 14^th Annual Invitational Swim Meet was dominated by first year camper, Camp Huron Lake junior girl, Lexi Hoffman, 9, who won every event in the day long meet.  Hoffman, an avid swimmer from Syosset, NY, was born with syndactyly, more commonly known as “webbed feet”, on both feet.  This condition has allowed her to excel in the pool from the first time she swam.

The meet, which included ten different camps, had never been won by Huron Lake.  In fact, the camp and owner/director Marty Feldstein were a laughingstock among the other camps.  But that all changed when a plucky newcomer from Long Island with syndactyly blew away the competition in all all events.   Hoffman singlehandedly won the meet leaving nearly every existing meet record in her wake as she dominated in every stroke and every distance.  Hoffman was a one-girl wrecking ball.  

Lexi had never really given much thought in the past to her webbed feet especially during the school year when wearing sneakers and shoes are the norm.  But in her first summer away she struggled at the thought of exposing her webbed toes to her new friends all of whom brought a minimum of three different pairs of designer flip flops while she could only wear open-toed slides.  But from the second she walked into Bunk 12, she felt like she was home.  “Hey look, Lexi,” exclaimed 2^nd year camper and bunkmate Alisa Buchsbaum of Dix Hills, “I have a third nipple!”  “Lexi, Lexi look at me! Look at me!  I have a scar on my ear from when I was straightening my hair for my 1^st grade class pictures,” added Elena Rothbard of Millburn. “We’re all freaks!!!”

A calm van ride over to Camp Pine Woods followed by a peaceful walk across the camp to the pool turned nasty rather quickly as Hoffman and her pals heard some spirited chanting from the Camp Aztec girls.  “We’ve got webbed feet, we’ll sweep the swim meet! We’ve got webbed feet, we’ll sweep the swim meet!”  Incensed and overly protective of their new friend, the Huron Lake girls assumed the girls were poking fun at their duck-footed friend and approached the Aztec campers but were called off by Hoffman.  Steely-eyed and confident, Hoffman simply told her friends through clenched teeth, “We’ll settle it in the pool, motherfuckers.”

After taking the 100 meter freestyle, Hoffman followed with wins in the 50 meter backstroke, the 200 meter butterfly and the 100 meter individual medley.  As her friends prepared for the relays, Hoffman waved them off.  “It’s milk call.  Go over and get some sprinkle cookies and whole milk for me while I teach these bitches a lesson by myself,” the angry web-footed superstar remarked.

After a hero’s welcome upon her return to Huron Lake that evening, Hoffman was given a pedicure by her grossed out bunkmates. 

New Camp Stationery to Send to Your Camper!

For years parents have been getting crappy checkbox postcards from our campers. Here at the Daily Camp News, we've created a special checkbox letter for you to send to your child.  Its streamlined design will allow you to pump out multiple letters every day with little to no effort, just like your kids!!!

Parents Beginning to Think Son Got on Wrong Camp Bus at Drop Off

Livingston, NJ (July 8, 2014) – They’ve spent hours upon hours scouring the Camp Huron Lake website for pictures or video of their son, Jake, but so far Mitchell and Jen Kleinfeld have yet to see him anywhere.  After dropping him off at the camp bus at the Livingston Mall to go off to one of the Pocono’s finest camps last Saturday, they are starting to believe their son is at the wrong camp.

Last Saturday, among a sea of luxury SUV’s and dozens of coach buses, the Kleinfelds dropped off 9 year-old Jake for his first summer away.  Running a bit late because Jen was getting her hair blown out for the drop off, they made it to the buses just before they were about to leave.  Assuming all the buses were off to the same camp, they flagged down the first bus they saw, slipped the bus counselor a fifty and hurriedly got Jake on.   With giant smiles on their faces, the Kleinfelds excitedly waved the bus away and looked forward to a quiet summer alone.

Saturday night, pictures and videos started getting posted on the camp website and the Kleinfelds eagerly “refreshed” every few minutes.   Dozens, maybe hundreds of pictures, of children Jake’s age showing children exiting the bus, playing Can Jam, and dancing in the dining hall were shown but Jake was nowhere to be found.  Being just the first day, the Kleinfelds weren’t overly concerned.  “I figured maybe Jake was tying his shoe somewhere, taking a dump back in the bunk, or maybe still unpacking so it was no big deal,” confessed Mitchell, 42. 

On Tuesday, the Kleinfelds received their first letter from Jake.   Although it was just a check box post card, they were thrilled to get any correspondence at all from their son.  “It was pretty much the standard letter but we are so happy that he’s alive,” a sarcastic Mitchell noted.   “The return address is from Camp Huron Lake but the postcard is postmarked from somewhere in upstate New York, by the Massachusetts border.  Kinda odd but maybe that’s where the sorting facility is.”

The Kleinfelds’ fears were quelled after a call from Camp Huron Lake Director, Marty Feldstein.  Feldstein typically calls the parents of all new campers within the first few days to report on how the child has adapted to camp.  Reading from a generic script at his desk, Marty informed the Kleinfelds that their son was thriving. “Jake is doing great.  He’s met some nice boys from Long Island and New Jersey.  His favorite sport to play is…mmm…all of them.  He likes to eat….pizza and chicken nuggets.  His counselors and his bunkmates said he’s nice.”

A reassured Jen felt much better after the call. “That call was just what I needed.  It seems they really know my boy.  Amazing since he’s only been there a few days.”

Unbeknownst to the Kleinfelds, Jake had, in fact, gotten on the bus for all boys Camp Tee-Nee-Wee-Nee in upstate New York.  No one at the camp can account for him, yet Jake is thriving at Tee-Nee-Wee-Nee so far.  Despite the fact that all of his belongings were shipped to Camp Huron Lake several weeks ago, he seems to be doing fine nonetheless.  A first time camper, Jake assumes that all the clothes in the cubbies as well as toiletries are shared among his bunkmates so clothing has not been an issue.   And because Bunk 5 didn’t have enough beds to accommodate Jake, Camp America sailing specialist Paul Wickens was forced to sleep in one of the other boy’s sleeping bag on the floor. 

“This camp doesn’t really look like the one I visited last year with my parents.  It was raining that day.  And there are no girls here.  I can’t find any of my underwear here either but I’m having a great time,” said an excited but confused Jake. 

A few days into the camp season, one of Jen’s friends finally saw a picture of Jake on Facebook and immediately called her.  “I thought Jake was at Huron Lake this summer.  It looks like he’s in a picture at Camp Tee-Nee-Wee-Nee,” the friend questioned. 

An oblivious Kleinfeld retorted, “Every kid has a brown short hair and brown eyes so they all pretty much look the same.  Maybe he was there for intercamp games or something.  Only two more weeks til I see my little baby on visiting day!”