Area Families Convene on Livingston Mall to Send Children Off to Camp

Livingston, NJ (June 22, 2013) – Hundreds of NY Tri-State area parents bid adieu to their children this morning in tony Livingston, New Jersey.   Dozens of camps’ buses littered the parking lot on what is normally a quiet time for the area mall. 

Camps were strategically placed throughout the 500 acre parking lot.  Camp Tyler Hill, one of Pennsylvania’s more upscale camps, was set up in front of Lord & Taylor, only after being denied a pick up spot by Neiman Marcus in The Mall at Short Hills.  Camp B’Nai Brith, a subsidized Jewish federation camp with over 300 campers, was set up in front of the Sears Automotive Center while other camps were scattered throughout. 

Returning campers sprinted to reunite with old friends while new campers could barely escape the vice-like grips of their overbearing Jewish mothers.   “I couldn’t let little Joshie go,” cried Jen Horowitz, mother of Josh Horowitz of Camp Huron Lake. “He was fighting me like a dog getting into a bathtub but I held on to his umbilical cor…um, his arm as tight as I could.  I let go slightly when I noticed this hand turning blue.”

As mothers worried over who their children would sit next to on the two-hour bus ride, fathers of now empty households quietly planned out tee times and mid-day sex romps.  “My wife is crying her eyes out that Emily wasn’t sitting next to Amanda on the bus so her summer was basically ruined.  All I kept thinking about is how I’ll be coming home from work getting undressed in the car while Lori’ll be home cooking only in the apron Jake made her for Mother’s Day 2008,” overexcitedly exclaimed Jon Goldstein, father of Jake Goldstein.”  Wife Lori quickly shot down those ideas.  “Shut up, you idiot.  You know I don’t cook!  Now wave to Jakey.”

The buses slowly rolled away starting at 11:00 am.  As Camp Huron Lake’s two buses pulled out one mother was seen chasing the chartered bus and leaping on to its exhaust grids.  “I’ve been training for the past two months to take a run at the bus and the training paid off.  I made it almost to the Barnes & Noble before I couldn’t hold on any longer,” said Ellen Rabinowitz, mother of first-time camper Alexis. 

As the buses finally disappeared from sight, mother Jill Silverstein, doing her best Oskar Schindler impression, broke down and cried hysterically.   “I could have packed more. I could have got more. I don't know. If I'd just... I could have got more.” 

Husband Eric replied, “Jill, he’s got 20 toothbrushes and 80 pairs of socks!”

“If you made more money... You threw away so much money on your golf membership and that stupid Lexus. You have no idea. If you'd just... “
“Jill, there will be generations of kids who won’t need toiletries because of what you bought.”
“ I didn't buy enough! “
 “You bought so much.”
 “This car. Someone would have bought this car. Why did I keep the car? Ten thousand more sticks of deodorant right there. Ten more pairs of socks.   This engagement ring. Two thousand more graffiti sweatshirts. This is a gold bracelet. Three hundred more pairs of Sofee shorts. The lady at Zales would have given me two thousand dollars for it, at least one more personalized shirt.”
“I could have packed more... and I didn't! And I... I didn't! “

Visiting Day Records Smashed at Camp Huron Lake

Lake Huron, PA (July 14, 2013) – Yesterday several long-standing visiting day records were shattered at Camp Huron Lake in scenic Wayne County, Pennsylvania.    As hundreds of male-driven cars lined the rural roads anxiously waiting to enter the camp, mothers of the overly-indulged semetic group of children stretched out their quads, calves, and deltoids in eager anticipation of the gate opening.  At approximately 9:57am Camp America staff personnel Ian Smith opened the metal silver gate and Hilary Schwartzenstein of Short Hills, NJ, armed with a candy cake weighing 12 pounds sprinted up hill to her daughter Emily’s Bunk 26 in 17.53 seconds obliterating her record set in 2009.   

“I’ve been working with Julio at the gym for the past 12 months just to try to bring my time down a few seconds from last year.  I knew that the candy cake was going to slow me down a bit so I tried to load it up with less dense candies like Skittles and Air Heads and staying away from the heavier peanut buttery stuff.  It paid off!  Thank you, Julio for the training and thanks to Annie from “Candy Warhol” for the fantastic cake…the twelve year olds loved it…until that little bitch Ally Weiner told the other girls they’d get fat if they ate anymore,” exclaimed an obviously proud yet frustrated Schwartzenstein.   

On Boys’ Side, impressive records were also set.  Attorney Eric Horowitz of Marlboro, NJ, father of Jake, 9, absolutely crushed the mark for most Cupcakes by Melissa eaten in a three hour span with 57 besting the old record set by his brother, Matt last year.  After Horowitz’s wife, Rachel, left the corned beef and extra lean pastrami on the roof of the car as she packed up a candy cake from local vendor “Sweets, Treats, and Meats”, he knew it was going to be a long afternoon. 

“Around noon I started to feel a pang in the pit of my stomach and all we brought was that damn candy cake and 80 of the mini Cupcakes by Melissa.  They’re really small so I was popping them in like M&M’s and before I knew it half of those tasty fuckin’ things were gone.  I opened up the second plastic case and just started going to town while Jake and my wife were waiting on line to swing on the trapeze.   Before I knew it only 23 were left when I returned from vomiting in Bunk 11.”

Also on Boys’ Side another long-standing record was handily beaten when two mothers were seen mopping the floor of Bunk 14 setting a new mark of most Jewish women cleaning within 100 feet of each other as well as most Jewish women cleaning at the same time.  Lisa Bernstein, mother of Jake, 10 and Erica Heinstein, mother of Jake, 10, were both seen vigorously mopping the area around their sons’ beds a little before 3 pm.  Although neither looked like they had ever touched a mop before, they scrubbed for a total of 37 seconds.  Heinstein, from New Rochelle, NY brought a spongy mop from home that had never been opened by Juanita, her cleaning woman of seven years.  “I wet the mop with water then scrubbed the floor pretty hard for 10 seconds before one of the other mothers told me to take the plastic off the mop head.  It made a big difference as I spread the dirt from under my son’s bed to the bed next to his.”

Bernstein, also a newbie to the art of cleaning, used her Swiffer with baby wipes.  “I wanted to make sure all the crap I sent my son, Jake, up with was nice and clean.  If the wipes are good enough for his ass, they’re certainly good enough to clean his Archie’s and Mad Libs.”

The last record of the day was broken only four minutes before Visiting Day’s end.  The mark for the Most Jews Bragging About their Child/Car/Job/More Successful Friend reached 894, the exact number of parents who attended the day-long event easily beating last year’s mark of 812.   Josh Goldman, father of Jake, Bunk 21 summed up the day perfectly.  “My son Jake who’s an incredible baseball player, and I love to take the convertible down to my office on Park Ave then hit a restaurant that my buddy, Seth, owns in TriBeCa.  You oughta come one time.” 

Fellow Bunk 21 father, Rob Kaufenberg, parent to Jake, 11, replied, “What was your name, again?”

Next year’s Visiting Day at Camp Huron Lake will undoubtedly see many of these records fall.

Jewish Mothers Storm Schools, Demand Daily Pictures

Livingston, NJ (Aug 1, 2013) – Yesterday, hundreds of mothers angrily stormed the Boards of Education in prominent areas such as Livingston, Marlboro, Scarsdale and several Long Island towns demanding daily pictures of their children’s educational activities once the 2013-2014 school year begins.   After seven full weeks of semi-daily and, in some cases, hourly photo updates from their children’s summer camps, Jewish mothers want to be able to see their sons and daughters in action shots at school during the six and a half hours they’re away from home.  No longer will children be able to respond to the question “What’d you do at school today?” with “I dunno.”

“I want to see who Jake is sitting next to at lunch, who he’s playing with on the playground, and if he’s using the rubber thing I bought him to put on his pencil to help him write better,” said Livingston mother, Shari Schwartzstein, 43.  “I also would love some full action shots of him sitting at his desk or of him reading during quiet time.”

Several board members in the area have attempted on numerous occasions to quell this irrational uprising.  In Syosset, NY, a referendum will be voted on in early September to determine whether Speech Therapy and the Music Department will be cut in favor of four full-time photographers/videographers as well as a team of web masters.  The Board of Education is attempting hold the vote on either Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur to hopefully tip the results in the Board’s favor. 

“I know Joshie needs speech help, but I think our tax dollars can be used in a more effective manner by posting pictures of our kids observing their teachers or standing in the lunch line.   Also, I’m not sure if Joshie is changing his undershirt during gym class so maybe some locker room shots would help me figure it out,” explained Brenda Hurwitz, 46, of Marlboro. 

In order to keep all existing school programs as well as the new photography staffs, some towns have brought up the idea raising property taxes or applying an additional tax on any Flowers by Zoe, Soffee, Joe’s Jeans or Got Camp products as well as anything bought at a sample sale taking place in a hotel ballroom or from Larry the Liquidator. 

Non-camp-sending Jews and gentiles alike are prepared to fight this “absurd” request.  Said Christina Johnson, 37, of Jericho, “Haven’t any of these people heard of a fuckin’ yearbook?”

Senior Boy Experiences First Wet Dream at Camp

Boy Remains Traumatized, Yet Relaxed

Huron, Pa (Aug 7) – Similar to so many adolescent girls experiencing menses for the first time while away at summer camp, Camp Huron Lake Senior Boy Josh Weinstein, 12, had his first ever nocturnal emission last night in Bunk 21.  Weinstein, from Melville, NY, woke up from an 8 hour long sleep to discover that the erotic dream he had was indeed semi-real. 

Confused as to what transpired and knowing his father, Mitch, wouldn’t be coming up for another 11 days for visiting day, Josh sought out the guidance of 20 year-old counselor Ian Davies, one of Camp America’s finest imported British counselors.  “I told the lad that havin’ a ‘wet willie’ dream was no big deal.  In fact, it’s brilliant when it happens,” a sympathetic Davies explained.  “I remember telling me old man the first time I had one and he told me mum.  Me mum couldn’t look at me for a fortnight.”   Co-counselor Jake Schneider, a 19 year-old virgin, was equally supportive of Josh’s coming of age moment. “I told Joshie that having a wet dream is a great thing for a guy.  You blow a load with no effort and don’t even have to take a chick out on a date.  Win win in my book.”

Weinstein’s dream has been the subject of rumors since he confided in bunkmate Jordan Horowitz.   Horowitz claims Weinstein told him in confidence that his emission occurred just as he was about to get his high score in Temple Run but other bunkmates say that Weinstein claims to have dreamt about a three-way with Victoria Justice from Nickelodeon’s “Victorious” and Horowitz’s 16-year old sister, CIT Rachel. Weinstein defends himself. “What was I going to say to JH? That I came just before I was about to bang his sister?  We’ve been buddies for years and I don’t want to ruin that.  I should have just substituted his sister with someone like Debbie Ryan from "Jessie" or something.”

Weinstein, like most 12 year olds at Camp Huron Lake, normally does not change his underwear upon getting into fresh clothes for the new day.  “I was unsure whether to keep on my underwear as a badge of honor or change into a fresh pair.  I just need to make sure to put them all the way at the bottom of the laundry bag.”

6 Oreos Now Worth 4 Days of Bedmaking, 3 days of Bunk Sweep

Up from 2 days of Outside Lines, 1 day Bathroom in 2012

Huron, Pa (Aug 7) – Proving that nothing is immune to the downtrodden US economy, Camp Huron Lake is reporting massive inflation in the camp equivalent of Oreos, Archie Comics, and other camp staples.  Oreos and other cookies and crackers have spiked in bartering price over the past three weeks to record highs. Camps up and down the east coast have all been reporting widespread inflation and it only expected to get worse as the second half of the summer begins. 

Because of scarcity of tasty snacks smuggled into boys’ bunks and dwindling supply and freshness, last year’s dustpan duty is no longer the trade for three Triscuits.  This year campers are shelling out two days of Dustpan duty and trading their day off for Bunk Sweep. 

Wall Street analysts are puzzled by the dizzying heights reached in the value of sugary snacks.  US Fed Economist William Reardon explains, “I’ve never seen anything like this before.  The only thing I can honestly equate this to is when San Quinten Penitentiary barter system went haywire in the spring of 2007.  It started as two cigarettes for a blow job and as stagflation reared its ugly head, only weeks later the same two cigarettes were worth a blow job and a rim job.  Eventually demand weakened and the price settled on a bj, a hand job, and a razor-edged toothbrush.”

Senior Boy camper Jon “Leiby” Leibowitz who has been supplying most of boys’ side with Hydrox cookies, a kosher equivalent of Oreos, for the past five summers, has been enjoying a fantastic chore-free summer.  “This has been the best summer since 2010 when I cornered the market on powdered Gatorade.  I haven’t had to lift a broom or clean a sink all year.  Kids know that Leiby has the best stuff.  I have Chip Clips on all my packages to ensure quality and freshness all summer long.”

Archie Comics, entertaining campers for over 70 years, have become as valuable as two kilos of cocaine this summer.  Although these “comics” have never made a child or young adult laugh, they nonetheless are a late night staple for campers and counselors on OD.  19 year-old counselor Aaron Schwartz of Bunk 17 recently traded a Sports Illustrated and an OD sandwich (baloney on white bread) for a copy of Archie’s Digest from 2010.  “I was hoping not to give up my sandwich but I’d rather be hungry than bored.  The gang at Ridgedale High is really entertaining in a non-funny way.  Love that Moose!” said Schwartz, dressed in his best Abercrombie sweatshirt hoping one of the female counselors would stop by. 

As the summer nears its conclusion, economist Reardon believes that suppliers such as Leiby will be giving away their stashes right after the Color War peak where campers demand extra energy for all day sporting events.  “I think last year two days before we went home I traded a snack size Milky Way for an Under Armor sweatshirt.  Not the best deal for me but, hey, these kids will be home soon and realize that this crap costs about $1.25,” an honest Leiby explained. 

Camps Urge Campers to Keep Gaga a Secret

“Can’t us Jews be good at something?” laments one director

Huron, Pa (Aug 7) – For each of the past seven summers, Camp Huron Lake (CHL) has seen a dramatic rise in enrollment since introducing popular Israeli sport sensation Gaga.  Played in a fifteen foot wide octagon, Gaga has established itself as the most popular “sport” in nearly every Jewish camp from the Poconos to the Berkshires.  

Several key factors point to the popularity of Gaga among Jewish campers.  Catching the ball really isn’t necessary to become a great player.  Semetic boys and girls typically have a difficult time with gross motor skills (catching, throwing, running, etc.) while their fine motor skills (typing, video game playing, yarmulke crocheting, etc.) often exceed that of their gentile peers.  Another aspect that appeals to the campers is that the soft, spongy ball is not thrown at others but slapped instead.  “Catching and throwing makes my arms tired.  Slapping is so much easier on my arthritic fingers, oy!” explained 9 year-old Jon Shapiro of Livingston, NJ while clutching his ailing back, as well.

Most importantly, because of the small dimensions of the Gaga “pit”, children barely have to run, saving their energy for litigating their way back into each game claiming never to have been hit.   Some camps such as CHL have implemented a one challenge per game per camper limit because a game that would normally last two to three minutes could last several days while campers argue their cases.

CHL Director Marty Feldstein believes Gaga is a great sport but is leery of introducing it to the secular world.  “This is the perfect game for Jewish kids.  I’ve seen our kids play the game with some of the local town folk.  We usually kill them the first couple games, but once they learn how to play, they embarrass us.  The same thing happened with basketball in the 1940’s.  Jews owned the sport.  Now we’re lucky if we can make a high school JV team.  Do we want this to happen with Gaga?  No way.”

NBA Commissioner David Stern, NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman, MLB commissioner Bud Selig, and Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban are among several high profile sports figures that have formed a secret committee to ensure that Gaga is not overtaken by gentile and inner city children.  “Project Our Sport” has been created to ensure a generations-long Jewish stronghold on Gaga.  David Stern, speaking on behalf of Protect Our Sport exclaimed, “No longer are we going to be the leaders in Accountancy, Wholesale, Law, Medicine and Talent Representation.  We’re not proud of this. These are professions we were forced into due to our lack of athletic ability!  Now and in the future, we will make our mark on the world in a more impactful way.  Gaga will be OURS!!!”