Camp Huron Lake to Provide Campers with Finest Bed Sand in the World

Huron Lake, PA (May 25, 2014) – In an effort to keep up with increased competition in the world of overnight camps, Camp Huron Lake Director Marty Feldstein has imported the finest sand known to man to place in each camper’s bed for the upcoming summer.  After spending several months this winter in Colombia negotiating with the Sandiago cartel, Feldstein was able to import just under 100 kilos of South America’s choicest powdery white foot candy.

 

Feldstein and his wife, Shelly, returned to Liberty National Airport in Newark, NJ with a suitcase full of 10 cellophane-wrapped bricks of the Colombian sand along with several pounds of coffee grinds spread throughout to ensure that the delivery would go undetected through the US Customs process.  At almost $120/kilo on the wholesale market, Feldstein wanted to ensure the camp would make a big hit with the kids this summer.   “For years the kids have been complaining about the lakefront sand in their beds.  It’s so grainy and coarse and wreaks havoc on the campers’ lower regions so I figured by scoring some primo smack for their beds, it would show the commitment we’ve been making to make this camp a luxury camping experience.”

 

After using nearly 65 kilos of the 100% pure Colombian sand on both boys and girls sides, Feldstein and his hired female Camp America staff hit the Arts & Crafts room to “cut” or dilute the sand with talcum powder and vitamin B to sell to other camps in the area.  The staff, clad in only their bras and underwear, was checked after their shifts to make sure none of the ultra-valuable sand was leaving with them.  Marty, known through the Poconos as “The Sandman”, has a reputation as a shrewd and ruthless business man when it comes to his sand. “Motherfuckers want steal my shit in front of me? Fuck that.  These sons of bitches be missin’ free play and shit if they fuck wit me.” 

 

The initial bed sand is included in the cost of the camp tuition but additional grams can be purchased in the canteen at $60/gram.  Some campers become quickly hooked on the sand and find they cannot sleep without it.  It’s all part of Feldstein’s plan.  “First one is always free.”

 

With a street value of $75/gram, Camp Huron Lake stands to make a killing distributing.  Feldstein explained his methods of dealing.  “Some camps want to buy a half bitch (1.75 grams) while others want an 8-ball (3.5 grams).  I usually try to get them to buy a half zip (1/2 ounce) or a zip (1 ounce) because they’d be getting more for their money.  Who buys a half bitch anymore? That won’t even be enough for the junior boys division at my camp!!”

 

After lights out on the first night of camp, Inter girl Jessie Kaplan, 11, summed up what most of the hundreds of Huron Lake campers were feeling.  “There’s nothing like coming back to camp and having that feeling of sand in your bed.  It’s really hard to describe but this new shit Marty scored for us so soft and smooth, you can really tell it’s quality shit.  I feel like I’m really at my home away from home again.”

 

Classmates Think Rosenstein is Going “Camping” for Entire Summer

North Massapequa, LI (May 1) – Even though he’s been attending Camp Huron Lake since 3^rd Grade, 14 year-old Jake Rosenstein’s school friends, Joey (“Joey D”) D’Andressio and Shawn (“SMac”) McMurray still believe Rosenstein spends seven weeks and two days in a tent in the woods somewhere in a remote part of Pennsylvania.  For years, his two childhood chums always wonder why Rosenstein would rather “rough it” in the woods instead of hanging out at McMurray’s above-ground pool all summer.

Like many non-Jews, D’Andressio and McMurray believe summer camp involves living in tents, eating meals cooked over a campfire started only by rubbing sticks together, hiking for miles, bathing and washing clothing in a local stream and sleeping under the stars.  But the boys couldn’t be more wrong about what goes on at Jake’s sleepaway camp.  

Sure there are campfires almost every week but these campfires are started by using a Duraflame log strictly supervised by a local member of the volunteer fire department.  Once the campfire is in full force, campers circle around the 4-foot high perimeter barrier and roast their marshmallows using a pole vault-sized surgical steel rod.   Camp Director Marty Feldstein believes safety around the campfire simply cannot be overlooked.  “About thirty years ago, one of our junior boy campers was making a S’More on the campfire when an ember landed on his EG’s.  Needless to say his summer was ruined although I always wondered why a boy would wear socks like that.”

While his friends every summer believe that going camping is the perfect time for Rosenstein, a bit short for his weight, to take off those extra pounds gained during the school year.  But Camp Huron Lake’s dining schedule is not exactly eating a few bowls of fire-roasted baked beans twice a day.  Starting with a breakfast including either pancakes or waffles, home fries, bacon substitute strips, assorted cold cereals and a variety of beverages, campers eat until they have enough nourishment for a day full of fun and exciting activities.  After a mid-morning snack, the campers return for a hot lunch buffet which consists of the special of the day along with three types of pasta with five different sauces, ten organic deli meats, a 75-foot long salad bar, and a frozen yogurt area with more choices than any one of the thirteen yogurt stores in Rosenstein’s Long Island hometown. 
 

After a few afternoon activities the campers are treated to fruit and homemade cookies and freshly pasteurized milk from the local organic farm.  This snack break is followed by a few more activities then the campers return to the Indoor/Outdoor dining pavilion for dinner served by a tuxedo-clad wait staff.   As nice as this sounds, an affected Rosenstein begs to differ.  “The eating situation isn’t as great as it seems.  A few nights ago, our bunk waiter forgot to my counselor’s Pinot Noir and all hell broke loose.  Sometimes living off the land for two months can be very difficult.”

D’Andressio and McMurray also cannot figure out how Rosenstein and his favorite clothes come back in pristine condition after a rugged summer of the outdoor elements.  “We figured between the rain and the mud and sleeping on the floor of a filthy tent, Rosey would come home and be a filthy mess but we meet him at the camp bus, and he smells like some of that Pot Porri.  Fuckin’ guy looks like he spent the summer at the Brentwood Country Club,” cried a flabbergasted McMurray.  While not exactly a country club, McMurray’s sentiments about Camp Huron Lake aren’t far from the truth. 

Each bunk is equipped with two vintage ceramic-tiled shower stalls to give the children a rustic outdoorsy feel.  Both stalls have ten pressurized nozzles to ensure that even the dirtiest camper will get somewhat clean.  The campers are wrapped up in Egyptian cotton towels by the bunk bathroom attendant before moving to his/her own walk-in closet.  

Dirty clothing is cleaned in the 24-hour on-camp laundromat while delicate items such as basketball, football, and baseball jerseys are laundered by the Camp America dry cleaning staff.  While some may find these creature comforts over the top, Rosenstein can’t overstate the importance of having these facilities at his beck and call.  “Last summer, I got a dime-sized drop of imported Belgian vanilla ice cream on the bottom of my white camp shirt.  Thank god the camp laundry is open day and night.  Can you imagine how embarrassing that would be to walk around in a shirt like that!”

Upon seeing his home friends at the end of the summer, Rosenstein is peppered with questions on his camping odyssey.   He always simply replies, “It’s rough out there for seven weeks but this kind of experience helps transform a boy into a man.”

Rabbis Flocking to See Tyler Perry’s A Madea Christmas then Eating Mass Quantities of Chinese Food Christmas Day

December 25, 2013, Marlboro, NJ – Hundreds of local rabbis, cantors, and esteemed members of the Judaic community have sold out every showing of Tyler Perry’s A Madea Christmas as well as every 6pm to 8pm reservation in Chinese restaurants all across the New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, and Boynton Beach areas.  While 99.7% of Americans celebrate the most festive and anticipated holiday of the year with family and friends, Jewish clergymen use Christmas Day as a day to enjoy guilty pleasures such as Tyler Perry’s movies as well as Chinese culinary delights like shrimp fried rice and moo shoo pork without the fear of being judged by non-Jews in their communities.

Rabbi Jakob Fishman of Congregation Beth El in Lakewood, NJ circles Christmas Day the second he opens his new “Hottest Girls of Hooters” calendar every year.  To him, it not only signifies a day where billions of people worldwide celebrate the birthday of Jesus Christ, the Savior but more importantly, it’s a day when he and his Rabbinical college buddies can get together, let their payis down, and just enjoy some fine cinema and good old Chinese food while enjoying each other’s company.   “We’ve been doing this for the past fifteen or twenty years,” explained Fishman.  “We try to see a Tyler Perry film since his characters are so relatable to us on just so many levels, but this year a bunch of my friends had to see Madea’s Witness Protection at the dollar theater instead since most of Madea Christmas tickets were sold out months in advance.  Still a great movie but seen it a dozen times.”

Beginning in 1992 with the straight-to-video release of Madea’s Family Reunion, Rabbis have found a common bond with the cross-dressing Perry character, a tough woman known to stand up for what’s right whether it’s her business or not.  More often than not it seems as Madea (real name Mabel Simmons) gets mixed up in some wacky hijinks that only she can talk herself out of with great wisdom and well-meaning intention.  Tenafly, NJ Rabbi Isaac Solomon explains the obvious attraction.  “It’s like Mr. Perry created this character just for us.  I’m pretty sure we’re his target demographic.  I can’t tell you how many times I involve myself in someone’s affairs that I have no business being a part of.  Just like Madea!!!  For example, a couple months ago I stuck my nose into a situation where a man was cheating on his wife with several members of the congregation who were very generous benefactors toward the temple.  I turned to G-d for guidance but after my prayers weren’t answered, I remembered a rather poignant quote from Madea Goes To Jail.  She said, wait…is it he or she?  Anyway, Madea said ‘Well when you gettin' got and somebody done got you and you go get them, when you get em', everybody's gon' get got.’  From then on, everything made sense.  I was able to help the husband cut down from four to three girlfriends while still getting the maximum allowable donations allowed under New Jersey tax law from the remaining three ladies.  Thanks, Madea!”

After enjoying an afternoon of hysterical laughter courtesy of Tyler Perry, most rabbis race to the closest Chinese restaurant to fill up on a year’s worth of pork and shrimp delicacies.   According to Kashrut, the set of Jewish dietary laws, kosher-keeping Jews are prohibited from the consumption of unclean animals such as shellfish and swine.  This law, which dates back through thousands of years of rich Jewish history, is tossed aside like a week-old challah on Christmas Day each and every year.
Owner of Hunan D-Lite in Boynton Beach, FL, Jian “Jerry” Li usually ups his pork and shellfish order from Sysco 500-600% in order to satisfy the carnal cravings of South Florida’s ravenous rabbis.  “I don’t see nobody all year long.  Then a few years ago, all these men in suits with big beards come into my restaurant and order every pork dish on the menu.  It look like some kind of Santa Claus party.  I run out of pork, shrimp and lobster by 5:30.  They kvetch and kvetch so now I order enough to make everyone happy.  I pick up some of their language, too,” Li explained.

 “The best part of the whole day is when people tell their friends that they see a bunch of us rabbis at the Tyler Perry movie or eating pork fried rice at the neighborhood Chinese place.  Their friends think they’re meshuggina (crazy)!  Who would believe such a thing?  Oy Vey!!” exclaimed Rabbi Rebecca Morgenstern of the Temple at Woodmere.

National Weather Service: Mysterious Sustained Wind Gust at 8:07 Determined to be Collective Sigh of Relief as Kids Return to School

Randolph, NJ (Sept 9) – On a gorgeous autumn-like morning, a powerful 65-mile per hour wind that blew through Randolph Township for nearly fifteen minutes was determined by the National Weather Service to be a collective sigh of relief from hundreds of area parents as children were boarding the bus for their first day of school.  No serious damage has been reported but several parents were out of breath and giddy with reclaimed freedom while others were already visibly drunk by 9:30 am.

As parents of kindergarten students cried at the sight of their precious little babies boarding the bus for the first of thousands of life-sapping rides to school, veteran bus stop parents hugged and sobbed with tears of joy anticipating seven hours and fourteen minutes of uninterrupted time to read, shop, eat, and most importantly, breathe without their little pains in the ass bugging the ever-loving shit out of them every three fuckin’ seconds. 

With the buses barely out of sight, mothers instantly looked ten years younger as wrinkles disappeared, breasts perked up, and stomachs flattened.  For stay-at-home dads, gray, thinning hair was almost non-existent replaced by thick, lustrous locks for at least the next seven or so hours.  Several local nail salons were even importing dozens of new workers in order to accommodate the frenzy of long-awaited manicure appointments delayed an extra week by the Jewish New Year.

For most mothers, killing off the three weeks, five days and eleven hours that separate the end of camp and the beginning of the school year can seem like an unbelievably arduous uphill battle.  “How many damn times do I have to take my kids to see this stupid Smurf 2 movie.  I know, I know…Gargamel hates these little blue pieces of shit.  I got it the first ten times!” exclaimed Jon Goldstein, parent of a first and third grader who took his kids to a movie four counties away to kill some extra time.

Lori Burns, mother of two elementary school students, had a slightly different approach.  “I like to get into my workout clothes, take the kids with me to the gym and drop them off at the complementary babysitting room.  I’ll lift a weight or two then tell the guy at the front that I forgot my water or Lulu headband in the car then sneak off with some of my friends for a few hours of ‘me’ time at the movies, shopping at the mall, and some lunch. The amount of walking I do is the same as if I’m on the treadmill at the gym for an hour so technically I’m working out.”

Another way several area mothers were able to “bridge this excruciatingly excessive three-plus week gap” was to take long, time-zone traversing trips to the west coast.   “I went out to California for two weeks to ‘see my family’,” said long-time resident, Mary O’Donnell as she gave the air quotes sign, “but the main reason was that by coming back east I gained three extra hours of time before the kids went back to school.  I know I lost time on the way out but I gave them a few teaspoons of adult-strength Benadryl on the plane so they slept the entire flight.  I read a good four hours uninterrupted and did an hour and a half of in-your-seat pilates.“

Parent of fifth grade twin girls, Jen Winston, said Monday September 9^th has been circled on her calendar since June 23rd, the last day of the spring semester.  “I love my girls more than anything in the world, but I love them just a tiny drop more when they’re in school and not glomming all over me asking me to take them places,” she explained as she and friend Erin Murphy enjoyed a Back to School celebratory 6 ounce double cookies and cream frozen yogurt from local hangout Yo-Yo Ma a few towns over.

With the children back at school, area parents will now focus on neglecting long-overdue projects and activities such as cleaning out the hall closet, documenting and scrapbooking Grandma’s 80^th birthday extravaganza, having sex with his/her spouse, organizing last year’s school artwork, getting in better shape, and painting the downstairs bathroom. 

The Farmers’ Almanac is predicting a similar weather pattern next year on September 6^th.   Area meteorologists warn residents to stay inside and tie down any loose deck furniture and valuables. 

Area Mothers Get Their, um, Kids’ Teachers for Upcoming School Year

Randolph, NJ (Aug 25) – For the past 20 years, the Wednesday before Labor Day has been anticipated as much as any day of the calendar year.  It has become the unofficial beginning to the school year as local mothers camp out at their mailboxes awaiting the letter from the school district to inform them who they, I mean their kids, will have for the new school year. 

The frenzy that ensues is a maddening mix of hysteria and joy all depending on which teacher’s name is written on that 8x11 piece of paper.   Local telecommunications giants AT&T and Verizon add extra cell phone bandwith to ensure the estimated 10.7 million calls and text messages will be sent and received between approximately 400 mothers over the days following the mailing.  One mother of two students, Jan Woodel, even installs an additional landline just in case the cell grids get overloaded.  “I can’t take the chance that I won’t be able to get in touch with everyone.  With two kids, I feel like it’s double the work to figure out exactly who’s in each class!”

This annual ritual runs a gamut of emotions, ranging from the elation of their children returning to school after two or sometimes even three grueling weeks at home since the end of camp to the impending doom of having to do homework, book reports, and possibly shoebox dioramas.  Depending on the teacher mothers get for the year, it could be a school year they wish would never begin.  Area mother, Allyson Stein (kids Jake, 5^th grade, Dani, 2^nd grade) is already bracing for a laborious school year.  “We have O’Malley for 5^th and I heard she’s a real tough disciplinarian but thankfully doesn’t assign weekend homework.  For 2^nd, Dani and I have Mrs. Finkelstein who I think used to be Miss Pasquariello who Jake and I didn’t have when he was in 2^nd.  I heard she loads the work on in the beginning of the year but since she’s now a “Finkelstein” I’m assuming she may be busy with the Jewish holidays at her in-laws this year.  I’m praying that’s the case.”

As mothers are burdened with the pressures of homework, manicure appointments and gym training sessions are canceled in favor of reviewing elementary math and social studies while summer reading erotica is eschewed in favor of reading up on popular “Wacky School” stories like “Miss LeShore is a Whore” and “Mr. Fife Beats his Wife”.    Many moms are complaining privately among each other about the amount of homework they get assigned every night.  Stein shares the sentiments of her entire social circle.  “Last year, it seemed that bitch, (4^th grade teacher Jill) McMahon, was assigning essays just to keep us moms busy if there was nothing else to do.  And she never once gave me, er, Jake, higher than a B+ on any report or diorama.  I did a diorama with about 37 tips I got on Pinterest and still only got a B.  I was pissed.  Not sure Jake knew about the assignment, though.”

After accumulating lists of all the students’ teacher assignments from Mrs. Woodel, Mrs. Stein distributes the unofficial ledger to the community days before the school begins in an effort to aid the formation of parent study teams and advocate groups to ensure they won’t be assigned too much work and face unreasonable deadlines. 

When asked about his feelings about the start of the school year, Mrs. Stein’s husband, Jon, responded, “What grade are the kids in again?”

Goldbergs Already Packed for Summer of 2014

Livingston, NJ (Aug 22) – Only a short few hours after picking up their camp trunks from local merchant Kim’s Kountry Kleaners, the Goldbergs, Jake, 12, and Jenna, 10, are all packed up and ready for their 2014 summer experience.   The trunks were professionally steam-cleaned then dry-cleaned to ensure that any residue from the Camp Huron Lake storage shed and camp laundry soap was permanently expunged.   With the beautifully monogrammed bags back in her possession, Lara Goldberg feverishly and maniacally packed her kids with only 43 short weeks to spare. 

While most normal mothers accumulate camp items throughout the year and finish things off with a trip to the Camp Depot, Goldberg is not one to wait until the last second.  In fact, she is already packing up for the next summer just a few hours after returning home from visiting day.  “I like to get a head start on packing up the kids so I’m not waiting til the very last second.  What I usually do is start researching what the hottest fashion trends are going to be for the spring season and start from there.  Sometimes things work out great like the summer of 2012 where Jake had a ton of funky Flow Society lacrosse shorts but last year I guessed wrong and I packed him Reebok tees and hoodies when all the other kids were wearing Under Armor.  Not a great summer for him,” lamented Mrs. Goldberg.  “My prediction is that next summer girls’ shorts will be shorter and tops will be longer so it looks like they’re not wearing anything underneath giving a sexy, alluring look.  I think that’s appropriate for the 11-13 female bat mitzvah-attending demographic.”

After most parents pick up their children from the bus upon returning from camp, a trip to a child’s favorite restaurant, a family party, or even the “Lice Lady” is not out of the norm.  But the Goldbergs immediately whisk their children off to Delicate Flowers in Livingston, NJ to order clothing before the spring rush arrives.  “I make sure my appointment is the day the kids come home.  Prior to that though, I consult with my kids’ pediatrician to try to extrapolate their growth rates to come up with what their sizes will be in 10 months.  Jake is close to hitting puberty so it’s going to be a real crap shoot this year.  Jenna told me she ate non-organic yogurt at a friend’s house last spring so I’m expecting major changes any day now.  I’ll have to stock up on sports bras and bandeaus.” 

With her busy schedule Goldberg has very little time to spare once the school year begins.  A typical day includes supervising live-in nanny, Hillaria, feeding and dressing the kids followed by a three-hour gym session with Rob, her personal trainer.  If time permits, she’ll grab a quick lunch with friends at Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo-Yogurt before a quick nap and possible reading of the newest sex-infused novel.  As Hillaria gets the kids from the bus stop, Goldberg readies the kitchen table for Jake’s Johns Hopkins University Center for Talented Youth tutor then calls the carpool mothers to ensure her kids will be picked up on time for karate, soccer, art, music, fall baseball, and lacrosse.  After relaxing when the kids are out, she has to make sure Hillaria makes dinner before Hillaria puts the kids to bed.  “It’s exhausting.  There just aren’t enough hours in the day to get the camp stuff done.  It takes a village.”

Once the trunks are packed up and ready to go, they get placed outside to await pick up in mid-June followed by a daily call to the shipping company to see if they have a estimated hour window when they’ll be arriving to take the bags so Goldberg clears her calendar well in advance.  Several shipping companies have already broken their contract with Camp Huron Lake due to the constant harassment by Goldberg.  Last year’s shipping company, Schleppers, issued the following statement concerning their reason for breaking their fairly lucrative contract: “That’s one bat shit crazy bitch!”

After Five Summers, Finkelstein Still Can’t Get to Second Base

Lake Huron, Pa (Aug 10) – He’s been going to a co-ed camp for the past five years, but 17 year-old Camp Huron Lake CIT Jake Finkelstein has yet to get to second with any of the female campers.  Finkelstein, a straight A student at Roslyn High School, has the exact characteristics he believes make him second-base material for the discriminating lady campers. 

Everything was in place this year for Jake to finally achieve his years long goal of getting to second.  His grades were excellent.  He made the Junior Varsity Swim Team as well as the Debate Team, and his face has never looked better after nine months of remarkable skin-clearing results from ProActiv.   He was, as several of his bunkmates noted, the perfect guy to let get to second base. 

Finkelstein even took to great lengths in order to ensure his hands and cuticles were in tip-top shape.  His mother, Jenna, 45, brought him to her manicurist for several weeks prior to the first day of camp to make sure his hands and nails were nice and soft so as not to scratch or mar any skin on his way to second base.  His mother warned him that a stray cuticle or hang nail could be the difference between only getting to first versus going all the way to second. 

“Listen, I didn’t expect to get second when I was 13 or 14, but the last three summers have been really tough for me,” a dejected Finkelstein explained.  “There have been so many opportunities…out of camp trips, campfires, socials, I can’t even name them all.  I figured I’d get second almost by accident with this many chances.”

Getting to second by Finkelstein’s age is fairly commonplace in today’s hormone-crazy teen crowd.  Several of Finkelstein’s bunkmates claim to have gotten second off of girls from home but none of these accounts have ever been verified.  Longtime bunkmate Jake Steinway claims to have gotten to second a bunch of times but never to third.  “I live in the city so I pretty much get to second every time I step on the subway.  Never under the shirt though.  I had a girlfriend this year and I almost got to second but she said it was ‘that time of the month’.  I was really confused.  What the hell does that even mean?” confessed a perplexed Steinway, 17. 

Most of the boys in Finkelstein’s group have offered up advice to help break this unenviable streak.  “Tell her you’ve been certified/pre-approved to get to second”, “Challenge her to wrestle”, and “Aim lower” are among the best advice he’s received so far. 

When several female CIT’s were asked about Finkelstein’s chances of finally getting to second were, most replied with the same answer, “Finkelstein came back to camp this summer?  I don’t remember seeing him.”