Huron Lake, Pa (June
29) – A video has surfaced on the Camp Huron Lake website showing hundreds of
exhausted, road-weary children getting off the bus to their new home away from
home for the next seven weeks. After a nearly three hour ride from the
Livingston Mall, the campers were less excited to be at camp and more relieved
to just be off that fucking bus.
After teary goodbyes
and long, warm embraces with their parents, the campers are herded onto the
busses by a designated high-ranking camp employee. The parents, most of
whom are wearing tear-hiding sunglasses, then run around the busses to see
where their child is sitting, who the child is sitting with, and whether the
child looks happy all through a heavily-darkened bus window which makes it near
impossible to tell if their child is even on the bus. They proceed to
yell to non-descript silhouettes on the bus in hopes they’ll be able to read
their child’s lips through the tinted glass of the bus as well as their
designer shaded. One mother was even seen yelling bathroom instructions to
her 15 year-old son on the bus “IF YOU HAVE TO GO NUMBER ONE, GO ON THE BUS.
FOR A NUMBER TWO, WAIT TIL YOU GET TO YOUR BUNK!!”
“I remember last
year, at least five other mothers came over to me to let me know their kid was
sitting next to my Jakey. I didn’t have the heart to tell them that Jakey was
behind a van vomiting from eating too much sesame chicken at his favorite
Chinese restaurant from the night before,” said Julie Herstein of Livingston.
“If it makes them feel better, who am I to say anything?”
Many of the campers
would prefer to be dropped off at the camp by their parents, instead of taking a
long bus ride filled with other screaming children, the scent of spoiled turkey
sandwiches left over from the school year, and intense heat from the broken air
conditioning. “I’ve spent the last ten months taking a bus to and from
school and my parents put me on another G-d damn bus the first day of my
vacation? At the mall no less!” complained a clearly frustrated junior
camper, Melissa Goldstein, 8 of West Orange, NJ.
Camp Huron Lake
Director Marty Feldstein works with his coach bus liaison from Leprechaun Lines
to ensure that the air conditioning “malfunctions” during the ride so the kids
are even more relieved to get off the bus. “I want the kids who are nervous
about coming to be so excited just to get off the bus so I make sure it’s
hot as blue blazes then I have the bus counselors confiscate all the kids’
lunches claiming that there are nut products in their sandwiches. When
they’re about to get off the bus, I get a British guy from Camp America to
whisper to each kid to “put a bloody smile on your fooking face or else it’s
going to be a long fooking summer, lad”. At camp they’re welcomed with
open arms and several industrial-sized fans along with a buffet-style luncheon.
It’s an unwritten rule among all the camp directors. Who wouldn’t be
happy about being there?”
“Marty pulls the same
shit every year,” CIT Jake Levine, 16, of Marlboro, NJ complained. Levine,
who departs from the local high school, added, “I usually stuff my face before
I get on the bus and wear a tank top and a frozen headband to deal with the
conditions Marty creates for us. But he does it with love so I can’t get
made at that crazy bastard.”
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