Camp Huron Lake to Provide Campers with Finest Bed Sand in the World

Huron Lake, PA (May 25, 2014) – In an effort to keep up with increased competition in the world of overnight camps, Camp Huron Lake Director Marty Feldstein has imported the finest sand known to man to place in each camper’s bed for the upcoming summer.  After spending several months this winter in Colombia negotiating with the Sandiago cartel, Feldstein was able to import just under 100 kilos of South America’s choicest powdery white foot candy.

 

Feldstein and his wife, Shelly, returned to Liberty National Airport in Newark, NJ with a suitcase full of 10 cellophane-wrapped bricks of the Colombian sand along with several pounds of coffee grinds spread throughout to ensure that the delivery would go undetected through the US Customs process.  At almost $120/kilo on the wholesale market, Feldstein wanted to ensure the camp would make a big hit with the kids this summer.   “For years the kids have been complaining about the lakefront sand in their beds.  It’s so grainy and coarse and wreaks havoc on the campers’ lower regions so I figured by scoring some primo smack for their beds, it would show the commitment we’ve been making to make this camp a luxury camping experience.”

 

After using nearly 65 kilos of the 100% pure Colombian sand on both boys and girls sides, Feldstein and his hired female Camp America staff hit the Arts & Crafts room to “cut” or dilute the sand with talcum powder and vitamin B to sell to other camps in the area.  The staff, clad in only their bras and underwear, was checked after their shifts to make sure none of the ultra-valuable sand was leaving with them.  Marty, known through the Poconos as “The Sandman”, has a reputation as a shrewd and ruthless business man when it comes to his sand. “Motherfuckers want steal my shit in front of me? Fuck that.  These sons of bitches be missin’ free play and shit if they fuck wit me.” 

 

The initial bed sand is included in the cost of the camp tuition but additional grams can be purchased in the canteen at $60/gram.  Some campers become quickly hooked on the sand and find they cannot sleep without it.  It’s all part of Feldstein’s plan.  “First one is always free.”

 

With a street value of $75/gram, Camp Huron Lake stands to make a killing distributing.  Feldstein explained his methods of dealing.  “Some camps want to buy a half bitch (1.75 grams) while others want an 8-ball (3.5 grams).  I usually try to get them to buy a half zip (1/2 ounce) or a zip (1 ounce) because they’d be getting more for their money.  Who buys a half bitch anymore? That won’t even be enough for the junior boys division at my camp!!”

 

After lights out on the first night of camp, Inter girl Jessie Kaplan, 11, summed up what most of the hundreds of Huron Lake campers were feeling.  “There’s nothing like coming back to camp and having that feeling of sand in your bed.  It’s really hard to describe but this new shit Marty scored for us so soft and smooth, you can really tell it’s quality shit.  I feel like I’m really at my home away from home again.”

 

Classmates Think Rosenstein is Going “Camping” for Entire Summer

North Massapequa, LI (May 1) – Even though he’s been attending Camp Huron Lake since 3^rd Grade, 14 year-old Jake Rosenstein’s school friends, Joey (“Joey D”) D’Andressio and Shawn (“SMac”) McMurray still believe Rosenstein spends seven weeks and two days in a tent in the woods somewhere in a remote part of Pennsylvania.  For years, his two childhood chums always wonder why Rosenstein would rather “rough it” in the woods instead of hanging out at McMurray’s above-ground pool all summer.

Like many non-Jews, D’Andressio and McMurray believe summer camp involves living in tents, eating meals cooked over a campfire started only by rubbing sticks together, hiking for miles, bathing and washing clothing in a local stream and sleeping under the stars.  But the boys couldn’t be more wrong about what goes on at Jake’s sleepaway camp.  

Sure there are campfires almost every week but these campfires are started by using a Duraflame log strictly supervised by a local member of the volunteer fire department.  Once the campfire is in full force, campers circle around the 4-foot high perimeter barrier and roast their marshmallows using a pole vault-sized surgical steel rod.   Camp Director Marty Feldstein believes safety around the campfire simply cannot be overlooked.  “About thirty years ago, one of our junior boy campers was making a S’More on the campfire when an ember landed on his EG’s.  Needless to say his summer was ruined although I always wondered why a boy would wear socks like that.”

While his friends every summer believe that going camping is the perfect time for Rosenstein, a bit short for his weight, to take off those extra pounds gained during the school year.  But Camp Huron Lake’s dining schedule is not exactly eating a few bowls of fire-roasted baked beans twice a day.  Starting with a breakfast including either pancakes or waffles, home fries, bacon substitute strips, assorted cold cereals and a variety of beverages, campers eat until they have enough nourishment for a day full of fun and exciting activities.  After a mid-morning snack, the campers return for a hot lunch buffet which consists of the special of the day along with three types of pasta with five different sauces, ten organic deli meats, a 75-foot long salad bar, and a frozen yogurt area with more choices than any one of the thirteen yogurt stores in Rosenstein’s Long Island hometown. 
 

After a few afternoon activities the campers are treated to fruit and homemade cookies and freshly pasteurized milk from the local organic farm.  This snack break is followed by a few more activities then the campers return to the Indoor/Outdoor dining pavilion for dinner served by a tuxedo-clad wait staff.   As nice as this sounds, an affected Rosenstein begs to differ.  “The eating situation isn’t as great as it seems.  A few nights ago, our bunk waiter forgot to my counselor’s Pinot Noir and all hell broke loose.  Sometimes living off the land for two months can be very difficult.”

D’Andressio and McMurray also cannot figure out how Rosenstein and his favorite clothes come back in pristine condition after a rugged summer of the outdoor elements.  “We figured between the rain and the mud and sleeping on the floor of a filthy tent, Rosey would come home and be a filthy mess but we meet him at the camp bus, and he smells like some of that Pot Porri.  Fuckin’ guy looks like he spent the summer at the Brentwood Country Club,” cried a flabbergasted McMurray.  While not exactly a country club, McMurray’s sentiments about Camp Huron Lake aren’t far from the truth. 

Each bunk is equipped with two vintage ceramic-tiled shower stalls to give the children a rustic outdoorsy feel.  Both stalls have ten pressurized nozzles to ensure that even the dirtiest camper will get somewhat clean.  The campers are wrapped up in Egyptian cotton towels by the bunk bathroom attendant before moving to his/her own walk-in closet.  

Dirty clothing is cleaned in the 24-hour on-camp laundromat while delicate items such as basketball, football, and baseball jerseys are laundered by the Camp America dry cleaning staff.  While some may find these creature comforts over the top, Rosenstein can’t overstate the importance of having these facilities at his beck and call.  “Last summer, I got a dime-sized drop of imported Belgian vanilla ice cream on the bottom of my white camp shirt.  Thank god the camp laundry is open day and night.  Can you imagine how embarrassing that would be to walk around in a shirt like that!”

Upon seeing his home friends at the end of the summer, Rosenstein is peppered with questions on his camping odyssey.   He always simply replies, “It’s rough out there for seven weeks but this kind of experience helps transform a boy into a man.”