Rabbis Flocking to See Tyler Perry’s A Madea Christmas then Eating Mass Quantities of Chinese Food Christmas Day

December 25, 2013, Marlboro, NJ – Hundreds of local rabbis, cantors, and esteemed members of the Judaic community have sold out every showing of Tyler Perry’s A Madea Christmas as well as every 6pm to 8pm reservation in Chinese restaurants all across the New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, and Boynton Beach areas.  While 99.7% of Americans celebrate the most festive and anticipated holiday of the year with family and friends, Jewish clergymen use Christmas Day as a day to enjoy guilty pleasures such as Tyler Perry’s movies as well as Chinese culinary delights like shrimp fried rice and moo shoo pork without the fear of being judged by non-Jews in their communities.

Rabbi Jakob Fishman of Congregation Beth El in Lakewood, NJ circles Christmas Day the second he opens his new “Hottest Girls of Hooters” calendar every year.  To him, it not only signifies a day where billions of people worldwide celebrate the birthday of Jesus Christ, the Savior but more importantly, it’s a day when he and his Rabbinical college buddies can get together, let their payis down, and just enjoy some fine cinema and good old Chinese food while enjoying each other’s company.   “We’ve been doing this for the past fifteen or twenty years,” explained Fishman.  “We try to see a Tyler Perry film since his characters are so relatable to us on just so many levels, but this year a bunch of my friends had to see Madea’s Witness Protection at the dollar theater instead since most of Madea Christmas tickets were sold out months in advance.  Still a great movie but seen it a dozen times.”

Beginning in 1992 with the straight-to-video release of Madea’s Family Reunion, Rabbis have found a common bond with the cross-dressing Perry character, a tough woman known to stand up for what’s right whether it’s her business or not.  More often than not it seems as Madea (real name Mabel Simmons) gets mixed up in some wacky hijinks that only she can talk herself out of with great wisdom and well-meaning intention.  Tenafly, NJ Rabbi Isaac Solomon explains the obvious attraction.  “It’s like Mr. Perry created this character just for us.  I’m pretty sure we’re his target demographic.  I can’t tell you how many times I involve myself in someone’s affairs that I have no business being a part of.  Just like Madea!!!  For example, a couple months ago I stuck my nose into a situation where a man was cheating on his wife with several members of the congregation who were very generous benefactors toward the temple.  I turned to G-d for guidance but after my prayers weren’t answered, I remembered a rather poignant quote from Madea Goes To Jail.  She said, wait…is it he or she?  Anyway, Madea said ‘Well when you gettin' got and somebody done got you and you go get them, when you get em', everybody's gon' get got.’  From then on, everything made sense.  I was able to help the husband cut down from four to three girlfriends while still getting the maximum allowable donations allowed under New Jersey tax law from the remaining three ladies.  Thanks, Madea!”

After enjoying an afternoon of hysterical laughter courtesy of Tyler Perry, most rabbis race to the closest Chinese restaurant to fill up on a year’s worth of pork and shrimp delicacies.   According to Kashrut, the set of Jewish dietary laws, kosher-keeping Jews are prohibited from the consumption of unclean animals such as shellfish and swine.  This law, which dates back through thousands of years of rich Jewish history, is tossed aside like a week-old challah on Christmas Day each and every year.
Owner of Hunan D-Lite in Boynton Beach, FL, Jian “Jerry” Li usually ups his pork and shellfish order from Sysco 500-600% in order to satisfy the carnal cravings of South Florida’s ravenous rabbis.  “I don’t see nobody all year long.  Then a few years ago, all these men in suits with big beards come into my restaurant and order every pork dish on the menu.  It look like some kind of Santa Claus party.  I run out of pork, shrimp and lobster by 5:30.  They kvetch and kvetch so now I order enough to make everyone happy.  I pick up some of their language, too,” Li explained.

 “The best part of the whole day is when people tell their friends that they see a bunch of us rabbis at the Tyler Perry movie or eating pork fried rice at the neighborhood Chinese place.  Their friends think they’re meshuggina (crazy)!  Who would believe such a thing?  Oy Vey!!” exclaimed Rabbi Rebecca Morgenstern of the Temple at Woodmere.

National Weather Service: Mysterious Sustained Wind Gust at 8:07 Determined to be Collective Sigh of Relief as Kids Return to School

Randolph, NJ (Sept 9) – On a gorgeous autumn-like morning, a powerful 65-mile per hour wind that blew through Randolph Township for nearly fifteen minutes was determined by the National Weather Service to be a collective sigh of relief from hundreds of area parents as children were boarding the bus for their first day of school.  No serious damage has been reported but several parents were out of breath and giddy with reclaimed freedom while others were already visibly drunk by 9:30 am.

As parents of kindergarten students cried at the sight of their precious little babies boarding the bus for the first of thousands of life-sapping rides to school, veteran bus stop parents hugged and sobbed with tears of joy anticipating seven hours and fourteen minutes of uninterrupted time to read, shop, eat, and most importantly, breathe without their little pains in the ass bugging the ever-loving shit out of them every three fuckin’ seconds. 

With the buses barely out of sight, mothers instantly looked ten years younger as wrinkles disappeared, breasts perked up, and stomachs flattened.  For stay-at-home dads, gray, thinning hair was almost non-existent replaced by thick, lustrous locks for at least the next seven or so hours.  Several local nail salons were even importing dozens of new workers in order to accommodate the frenzy of long-awaited manicure appointments delayed an extra week by the Jewish New Year.

For most mothers, killing off the three weeks, five days and eleven hours that separate the end of camp and the beginning of the school year can seem like an unbelievably arduous uphill battle.  “How many damn times do I have to take my kids to see this stupid Smurf 2 movie.  I know, I know…Gargamel hates these little blue pieces of shit.  I got it the first ten times!” exclaimed Jon Goldstein, parent of a first and third grader who took his kids to a movie four counties away to kill some extra time.

Lori Burns, mother of two elementary school students, had a slightly different approach.  “I like to get into my workout clothes, take the kids with me to the gym and drop them off at the complementary babysitting room.  I’ll lift a weight or two then tell the guy at the front that I forgot my water or Lulu headband in the car then sneak off with some of my friends for a few hours of ‘me’ time at the movies, shopping at the mall, and some lunch. The amount of walking I do is the same as if I’m on the treadmill at the gym for an hour so technically I’m working out.”

Another way several area mothers were able to “bridge this excruciatingly excessive three-plus week gap” was to take long, time-zone traversing trips to the west coast.   “I went out to California for two weeks to ‘see my family’,” said long-time resident, Mary O’Donnell as she gave the air quotes sign, “but the main reason was that by coming back east I gained three extra hours of time before the kids went back to school.  I know I lost time on the way out but I gave them a few teaspoons of adult-strength Benadryl on the plane so they slept the entire flight.  I read a good four hours uninterrupted and did an hour and a half of in-your-seat pilates.“

Parent of fifth grade twin girls, Jen Winston, said Monday September 9^th has been circled on her calendar since June 23rd, the last day of the spring semester.  “I love my girls more than anything in the world, but I love them just a tiny drop more when they’re in school and not glomming all over me asking me to take them places,” she explained as she and friend Erin Murphy enjoyed a Back to School celebratory 6 ounce double cookies and cream frozen yogurt from local hangout Yo-Yo Ma a few towns over.

With the children back at school, area parents will now focus on neglecting long-overdue projects and activities such as cleaning out the hall closet, documenting and scrapbooking Grandma’s 80^th birthday extravaganza, having sex with his/her spouse, organizing last year’s school artwork, getting in better shape, and painting the downstairs bathroom. 

The Farmers’ Almanac is predicting a similar weather pattern next year on September 6^th.   Area meteorologists warn residents to stay inside and tie down any loose deck furniture and valuables. 

Area Mothers Get Their, um, Kids’ Teachers for Upcoming School Year

Randolph, NJ (Aug 25) – For the past 20 years, the Wednesday before Labor Day has been anticipated as much as any day of the calendar year.  It has become the unofficial beginning to the school year as local mothers camp out at their mailboxes awaiting the letter from the school district to inform them who they, I mean their kids, will have for the new school year. 

The frenzy that ensues is a maddening mix of hysteria and joy all depending on which teacher’s name is written on that 8x11 piece of paper.   Local telecommunications giants AT&T and Verizon add extra cell phone bandwith to ensure the estimated 10.7 million calls and text messages will be sent and received between approximately 400 mothers over the days following the mailing.  One mother of two students, Jan Woodel, even installs an additional landline just in case the cell grids get overloaded.  “I can’t take the chance that I won’t be able to get in touch with everyone.  With two kids, I feel like it’s double the work to figure out exactly who’s in each class!”

This annual ritual runs a gamut of emotions, ranging from the elation of their children returning to school after two or sometimes even three grueling weeks at home since the end of camp to the impending doom of having to do homework, book reports, and possibly shoebox dioramas.  Depending on the teacher mothers get for the year, it could be a school year they wish would never begin.  Area mother, Allyson Stein (kids Jake, 5^th grade, Dani, 2^nd grade) is already bracing for a laborious school year.  “We have O’Malley for 5^th and I heard she’s a real tough disciplinarian but thankfully doesn’t assign weekend homework.  For 2^nd, Dani and I have Mrs. Finkelstein who I think used to be Miss Pasquariello who Jake and I didn’t have when he was in 2^nd.  I heard she loads the work on in the beginning of the year but since she’s now a “Finkelstein” I’m assuming she may be busy with the Jewish holidays at her in-laws this year.  I’m praying that’s the case.”

As mothers are burdened with the pressures of homework, manicure appointments and gym training sessions are canceled in favor of reviewing elementary math and social studies while summer reading erotica is eschewed in favor of reading up on popular “Wacky School” stories like “Miss LeShore is a Whore” and “Mr. Fife Beats his Wife”.    Many moms are complaining privately among each other about the amount of homework they get assigned every night.  Stein shares the sentiments of her entire social circle.  “Last year, it seemed that bitch, (4^th grade teacher Jill) McMahon, was assigning essays just to keep us moms busy if there was nothing else to do.  And she never once gave me, er, Jake, higher than a B+ on any report or diorama.  I did a diorama with about 37 tips I got on Pinterest and still only got a B.  I was pissed.  Not sure Jake knew about the assignment, though.”

After accumulating lists of all the students’ teacher assignments from Mrs. Woodel, Mrs. Stein distributes the unofficial ledger to the community days before the school begins in an effort to aid the formation of parent study teams and advocate groups to ensure they won’t be assigned too much work and face unreasonable deadlines. 

When asked about his feelings about the start of the school year, Mrs. Stein’s husband, Jon, responded, “What grade are the kids in again?”

Goldbergs Already Packed for Summer of 2014

Livingston, NJ (Aug 22) – Only a short few hours after picking up their camp trunks from local merchant Kim’s Kountry Kleaners, the Goldbergs, Jake, 12, and Jenna, 10, are all packed up and ready for their 2014 summer experience.   The trunks were professionally steam-cleaned then dry-cleaned to ensure that any residue from the Camp Huron Lake storage shed and camp laundry soap was permanently expunged.   With the beautifully monogrammed bags back in her possession, Lara Goldberg feverishly and maniacally packed her kids with only 43 short weeks to spare. 

While most normal mothers accumulate camp items throughout the year and finish things off with a trip to the Camp Depot, Goldberg is not one to wait until the last second.  In fact, she is already packing up for the next summer just a few hours after returning home from visiting day.  “I like to get a head start on packing up the kids so I’m not waiting til the very last second.  What I usually do is start researching what the hottest fashion trends are going to be for the spring season and start from there.  Sometimes things work out great like the summer of 2012 where Jake had a ton of funky Flow Society lacrosse shorts but last year I guessed wrong and I packed him Reebok tees and hoodies when all the other kids were wearing Under Armor.  Not a great summer for him,” lamented Mrs. Goldberg.  “My prediction is that next summer girls’ shorts will be shorter and tops will be longer so it looks like they’re not wearing anything underneath giving a sexy, alluring look.  I think that’s appropriate for the 11-13 female bat mitzvah-attending demographic.”

After most parents pick up their children from the bus upon returning from camp, a trip to a child’s favorite restaurant, a family party, or even the “Lice Lady” is not out of the norm.  But the Goldbergs immediately whisk their children off to Delicate Flowers in Livingston, NJ to order clothing before the spring rush arrives.  “I make sure my appointment is the day the kids come home.  Prior to that though, I consult with my kids’ pediatrician to try to extrapolate their growth rates to come up with what their sizes will be in 10 months.  Jake is close to hitting puberty so it’s going to be a real crap shoot this year.  Jenna told me she ate non-organic yogurt at a friend’s house last spring so I’m expecting major changes any day now.  I’ll have to stock up on sports bras and bandeaus.” 

With her busy schedule Goldberg has very little time to spare once the school year begins.  A typical day includes supervising live-in nanny, Hillaria, feeding and dressing the kids followed by a three-hour gym session with Rob, her personal trainer.  If time permits, she’ll grab a quick lunch with friends at Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo-Yogurt before a quick nap and possible reading of the newest sex-infused novel.  As Hillaria gets the kids from the bus stop, Goldberg readies the kitchen table for Jake’s Johns Hopkins University Center for Talented Youth tutor then calls the carpool mothers to ensure her kids will be picked up on time for karate, soccer, art, music, fall baseball, and lacrosse.  After relaxing when the kids are out, she has to make sure Hillaria makes dinner before Hillaria puts the kids to bed.  “It’s exhausting.  There just aren’t enough hours in the day to get the camp stuff done.  It takes a village.”

Once the trunks are packed up and ready to go, they get placed outside to await pick up in mid-June followed by a daily call to the shipping company to see if they have a estimated hour window when they’ll be arriving to take the bags so Goldberg clears her calendar well in advance.  Several shipping companies have already broken their contract with Camp Huron Lake due to the constant harassment by Goldberg.  Last year’s shipping company, Schleppers, issued the following statement concerning their reason for breaking their fairly lucrative contract: “That’s one bat shit crazy bitch!”

After Five Summers, Finkelstein Still Can’t Get to Second Base

Lake Huron, Pa (Aug 10) – He’s been going to a co-ed camp for the past five years, but 17 year-old Camp Huron Lake CIT Jake Finkelstein has yet to get to second with any of the female campers.  Finkelstein, a straight A student at Roslyn High School, has the exact characteristics he believes make him second-base material for the discriminating lady campers. 

Everything was in place this year for Jake to finally achieve his years long goal of getting to second.  His grades were excellent.  He made the Junior Varsity Swim Team as well as the Debate Team, and his face has never looked better after nine months of remarkable skin-clearing results from ProActiv.   He was, as several of his bunkmates noted, the perfect guy to let get to second base. 

Finkelstein even took to great lengths in order to ensure his hands and cuticles were in tip-top shape.  His mother, Jenna, 45, brought him to her manicurist for several weeks prior to the first day of camp to make sure his hands and nails were nice and soft so as not to scratch or mar any skin on his way to second base.  His mother warned him that a stray cuticle or hang nail could be the difference between only getting to first versus going all the way to second. 

“Listen, I didn’t expect to get second when I was 13 or 14, but the last three summers have been really tough for me,” a dejected Finkelstein explained.  “There have been so many opportunities…out of camp trips, campfires, socials, I can’t even name them all.  I figured I’d get second almost by accident with this many chances.”

Getting to second by Finkelstein’s age is fairly commonplace in today’s hormone-crazy teen crowd.  Several of Finkelstein’s bunkmates claim to have gotten second off of girls from home but none of these accounts have ever been verified.  Longtime bunkmate Jake Steinway claims to have gotten to second a bunch of times but never to third.  “I live in the city so I pretty much get to second every time I step on the subway.  Never under the shirt though.  I had a girlfriend this year and I almost got to second but she said it was ‘that time of the month’.  I was really confused.  What the hell does that even mean?” confessed a perplexed Steinway, 17. 

Most of the boys in Finkelstein’s group have offered up advice to help break this unenviable streak.  “Tell her you’ve been certified/pre-approved to get to second”, “Challenge her to wrestle”, and “Aim lower” are among the best advice he’s received so far. 

When several female CIT’s were asked about Finkelstein’s chances of finally getting to second were, most replied with the same answer, “Finkelstein came back to camp this summer?  I don’t remember seeing him.”

Boys Become Best Friends For Life After 7 Weeks at Camp; No Idea What Each Other’s Real Names Are

Lake Huron, PA (Aug 10) – With the exception of a single night Goldie slept in the infirmary, he and best friend, Winey, 10, have been absolutely inseparable the entire summer.   Whether it is on the soccer field, in the dining room, or in the pool, the two first-year campers have barely left each other’s side yet neither boy has any clue whatsoever what the other’s real name is. 

The Bunk D duo have absolutely no idea what any of the boys in their bunk are named as a matter of fact.  The rest of their bunkmates include Bobble Head, Greenie, Blue, Rudy, Wolfie, Dee-Vine, Moose, Archie, Big Guy, Champ, and Diablo.  While most nicknames given by bunk counselors are variations of their semetic last names, some are based on hair color, favorite toy or activity, or clothing choice on the first day of camp.   In very rare circumstances, some boys will get completely random nicknames when they don’t have a single defining quality or name trait that stands out.

Winey and Goldie met only minutes after getting off the bus at camp and instantly formed what is now a life-long bond.  Although they introduced themselves to one another, clearly, like most of the male population, neither bothered to listen to the other’s reply.  Unfortunately, it may be too late to ask each other their names.  “If I ask Winey what his real name is he may not think I think of him as my best friend,” contemplated Goldie, 10, “I’m pretty sure his name may be Jake or Jacob.  I guess I’ll wait until the division list is sent home on the last day of camp to find out.”   

Winey, who like Goldie, hails from the NY/NJ area, also shares his best friend’s angst.  “I know at the end of the year we get a list of kids in our group.  Unfortunately, there’s a Goldstein, two Goldbergs, a Goldenberg, and a plain old Gold in this division.  There’s no way in hell he’ll figure out who I am because there’s a Weinstein, Weinberg, Weinstock and a Weiner.   I wish my last name was Smith or Johnson so at least my name could have been a little original at camp,” lamented Winey knowing it will probably be 45 more weeks before he and Goldie would see each other again.  “I just can’t take the risk of having my mom call the wrong Goldie since two of the other kids are real douche bags.  Imagine a sleep over with them???”

Bunk D counselor Ryan Aaronson was absolutely no help to the boys or their families either.  On Visiting Day, Aaronson was sure to give generic, stock answers to any questions asked by his campers’ parents.  The third-year counselor’s replies of “He’s a great kid”, “He gets along well with the others” and “Your son is one of my favorites” were received by parents with warm, relieved smiles.  Aaronson admitted to losing the bunk roster on the second day of camp and resorted to making up names for two of the boys whose name he couldn’t remember.  “I had a tough time the first few days remembering which kid I was calling “Big Guy” and which was “Champ”.  Once the other kids started calling them the names, it kinda stuck,” explained Aaronson.

Winey is already counting the days down to the summer of 2014.  “I can’t wait to go back to camp.  I just hope when we get our bunk requests, I put down the right Goldie, not the asshole who I think stole my Rainbow Loom bracelet.”

Coming Home from Sleep Away, Iraq Similar Says Mothers of Campers

Livingston, NJ (Aug 13) – Like mothers who send their children off to war for a year or two, thousands of area residents have breathed a sigh of relief as their children have arrived home safely from sleep away camp.  They had waited with anticipation for three and sometimes even four worry-free weeks since visiting day for their offspring to get home and only now can local mothers stop talking about how difficult the last few weeks have been without their “babies”.

Camp Huron Lake, home to over 400 campers, received hundreds upon hundreds of emails, letters and phone calls over the past month from mothers concerning life and death issues such as “wearing enough sunscreen”, “bathing properly”, “running low on tampons” and “keeping on their orthodontic headgear through the night”.  US Soldiers in Iraq can receive an unlimited number of packages when deployed yet campers at many camps including Camp Huron Lake can only receive two the entire summer.  Additionally, the Armed Forces do not have a restriction on what can be sent up in said packages.  Soldiers, many who work for 18 to 24 hour shifts in 110 degree heat while wearing several layers of protective gear, may also get any type of food which is strictly forbidden by nearly all sleep away camps.  

“It’s unfair that I can’t send Jake up his favorite things to eat the entire summer.  He’s going nearly three weeks since we saw him without any type of candy cake or Cupcakes by Melissa.  How do we expect our kids to survive?  The soldiers can eat candy all day long, provided that they’re not being shot at by Iraqi insurgents.” lamented Jen Goldstein, Jake’s mother, 43.  “I’ve been worrying about my boy all summer long.  I even thought about it a few times when my husband and I were touring Western Europe with a few other couples.  It’s not easy.”

Sleep away camp can be a grueling ordeal for many children.   A typical day is not unlike being in Iraq or Afghanistan according to many parents.   Being awoken by the daily revile bugle can be very frightening in camp, probably similar to exploding mortar and gunfire disrupting a fourteen hour power nap in preparation of a two day, no sleep recon mission according to a group of NJ psychologists.  

Campers also need to make crucial eating decisions at three meals a day.  “Should I have a salad, sandwich, or tofu burger for lunch today?  Tough decision.  Mmm, and what for desert?” questioned Junior Girl camper Hanna Stern, 11.  “Where’s my mother when I need her?”  Like this Junior Girl camper, Iraq veteran Shane McMannus, 27, faced equally tough decisions on a daily basis.  “Should I eat these government rations or starve today?  But I can see how stressful the decision making process can be for an over-privileged camper.  I would never want to be in her shoes.”  

While many who have not experienced life in summer camp, days can seem like a never-ending trek of kickball, bracelet making, dancing, swimming, tennis, trapeze swinging, cookie baking and eating.  It’s not a lifestyle for everyone says mother Julie Steinberg, mother of Jake Steinberg, 10, who very nearly was run over by the camp bus as she sprinted to see her son.  “He’s out there on the front lines all day long, playing, laughing...  It’s gotta be exhausting to have to do this for seven straight weeks with your friends.  I’m not sure if it’s harder on him or me,” commented Julie, sitting at her pool enjoying her third pina colada of the day while her nanny entertained six-year old twins Jacob and Jakey. "I hate the thought of him not having enough rubber bands for his Rainbow Loom!"