Huron Lake, Pa (July
3) – After an unbelievably confusing first two days of camp in the Junior Boys
division, a competition to determine which Camp Huron Lake Junior Boy camper
would claim the nickname “Goldie” for the summer of 2014 finished late
yesterday afternoon with Jake Goldenberg of Merrick, NY earning the right to
the coveted nickname. Because of the unbelievably high demand for the
name in the sixty boy junior division, camp director Marty Feldstein was forced
to step in to create a two day competition to determine who gets the right to
be called “Goldie” over the next seven plus weeks.
The participants
included Jake Goldberg of Syosset, Jake Goldstein of Scarsdale, Jake Golden of
Silver Spring, Jake Gold of Livingston, Jake Goldfarb of New York City, Jake
Goldwyn of New City, Jake Goldner of Marlboro and Zach Lipschitz, the only boy
in the division with blonde hair, of Cherry Hill. The campers competed in
a series of athletic and intellectual events over two days used to test their
worthiness of being “Goldie” for the summer.
In the first
competition of Day One, the boys were given pick axes and asked to dig up a
fenced in portion of the ground near the dining hall where Feldstein buried
three replica gold nuggets. After two hours of intense digging, Jake
Goldstein found the first one, followed Gold, then Goldenberg. Shortly
after the competition, Feldstein, an opportunist always looking to cut costs,
planted a vegetable garden where the boys had done their digging. “So pretty much Marty staged this event so he
wouldn’t have to pay a landscaper. He’s
a cheap bastard, but I’ll take the win,” an exhausted and sweaty Goldstein remarked.
Following the
physically strenuous first leg of the competition, the boys settled in for a
test in which they were asked to pick who among five female CITs was posing as
a gold digger. The series of questions from the gold digging thespian
included “Where are you from? What do you do for a living? What
kind of car do you drive? How big is your apartment/house/summer home? and
What college/grad school/law school did you attend?” Jake Goldfarb, 9, whose
father Mel, 73, a retired neurosurgeon, and mother, Gynnyfer, 31, are both
alumni of Huron Lake, easily won the event with little competition from the
other nine and ten year-olds.
Day Two started with
an exciting down-to-the-wire eating contest at breakfast. Each boy was presented with ten bowls of
Golden Grahams to consume in the quickest time. Goldenberg, strictly forbidden from eating
sugar cereals at home, ravenously scarfed down all ten bowls in 24
minutes. As his eyes bulged from his
head, he jumped up on the dining hall table, screamed “Oh, those Golden Grahams,
oh, those Golden Grahams!!,” proceeded to let out a dining room-vibrating belch
then vomited on the adjacent senior girl’s table and was sent to the infirmary
for observation.
After allowing
Goldenberg to recover, the boys were presented with several gold rope
necklaces. The boys were required to
determine whether the piece of jewelry was A. 18k, B. 14k, or C. gold-plated. Additionally, they had to guess the weight of
each piece to the nearest gram, as well as when the rope necklace went out of
style to the nearest year. Zach
Lipschitz was the winner but was disqualified from the event when one of the
other boys found a jewelry loop in his cubby after the competition. Goldwyn, the runner up, was then awarded first
place.
At the end of two
days of events, Goldenberg and Goldstein were tied atop the leaderboard so the
two boys were forced to participate in a sudden death, tie-breaker in front of
the entire division. “Boys,” Marty
exclaimed, “the camper who can dig for gold and produce the biggest booger will
earn the right to be called “Goldie” for the summer! Let the digging begin!!!”
Goldstein immediately
jammed his right pointer finger up his left nostril, closed his eyes, and
produced a 3.4 milligram booger to the delight of his fellow campers. With a cocky laugh, Goldenberg, who suffers
from allergies to dust and cut grass, calmly strode to the middle of the
division meeting area. Before starting
to pick he addressed his campmates. “I
want to thank the groundskeeper of this fine establishment for cutting the lawn
in front of our bunk today and the boys’ side porter for getting drunk with
some townies last night and oversleeping his mopping shift this morning. The dust is plentiful, my eyes are red and my
nose is stuffed.” He then drew his left middle finger for maximum reach and,
with the aid of his thumb, pulled out one of the largest boogers ever seen in
the Huron Lake vicinity. “Don’t bother
to weigh it,” Goldstein valiantly conceded, “You’re the Goldie, Goldenberg.”
Next week Jake
Silverberg and Jake Silverstein will battle it out for the right to be called
“Silvie”.
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