Area Parents Rush to Bedrooms as Children Return From Camp in 5 Days

Pressure to Take Advantage of Precious Alone Time Overwhelming for Some

Marlboro, NJ (Aug 5) – Like thousands of couples in the tri-state area, it was supposed to be their “summer of sex” featuring nightly romps in the sack and spontaneous daytime sexcapades for the Fishmans, Jennifer and Marc, but it has turned out to be anything but that for the 40-something year-old couple.   With children Jake, 13, and Hanna, 9, away at Camp Huron Lake for seven weeks, the couple planned on reviving their once fervent sex life with renewed vigor and vitality but with only five days before the kids come home, they have a lot of making up, or in this case, making out to do.

After dropping the kids off at the camp bus at Livingston Mall that Saturday, the Fishmans made a B-line into the mall to Victoria’s Secret to pick up some new racy lingerie including a push-up bra, garter belt, and crotchless panties for Jennifer then to Spencer’s where Marc picked up some mini leather whips and several boxes of novelty edible underwear to snack on before, during and after their planned love making.  Sadly, both bags of merchandise are still sitting unopened in their bedroom closet. 

Like many grandiose plans, theirs seemed doomed from the outset.  “The first night the kids were away we went to a party at the Goldbergs whose kids are naturally are away too, and I had a bit too much to drink so I passed out when we got home.  The second night I was still hung over then before you knew it, it was a weekday which is off limits for Marc since he has to be up so early for work,” explained Jennifer.  “The weekend after that, my in-laws were in town, so we fought most of the week, and with his parents only a few rooms away, Marc wasn’t touching any of this!”

Based on his friend Michael Silverstein's epic summer of 2012 where he and his wife had relations three times, Marc had unrealistic expectations.  “I honestly thought that I’d be getting undressed in the car on the way home from work and would be fully nude by the time I got in the garage.  Jennifer would be cooking in just an apron that she’d take off the second I walked through the door and then we’d just be naked the entire summer.  I was looking forward to Caligula-like orgies, but instead I’ve been forced to masturbate to porn on my iPhone once she falls asleep.”

One week turned into two and two into three.  Before they knew it, visiting day was rapidly approaching and the couple stayed clear of each other so they’d be well rested for the arduous two-hour drive to the Days Inn – Scranton, the Friday night before seeing the kids.  Disgusted by the sheets and bedspread, Jennifer slept in the back of the couple’s Chevy Tahoe, while Marc took advantage of the air-conditioned room with free HBO. 

The week after visiting day, Marc, a stock analyst, took a day trip to Chicago for quick meeting, only to come home complaining of jetlag when Jennifer asked him for relations that night.  “I was exhausted,” Marc sheepishly confessed, “I was in New Jersey, then in Chicago for the day then back home that night.  My internal clock was completely messed up by the hour going and hour coming back.  I don’t think she understands how stressful my travel can be sometimes. I ate lunch at 12 which is really 1 for me.  Then I had dinner at 6 which is 5 Chicago time.  Wait..is it the other way around?  See what I mean!!”

Overlapping weeks four and five was Jennifer’s menstrual cycle which included severe cramping and a cease and desist order to Marc to “keep his fuckin’ hands off her”.

The following week, Jennifer’s parents came up from Florida for cousin Phyllis’s 75^th birthday party, so naturally she and Marc fought most of the week over Jennifer’s father’s annoying habit of continually telling Marc to recaulk the cracks in the family room crown molding.    

But finally in week six the couple had a monumental breakthrough.  As Marc was on his way to the gym to spend an hour or so in the steam room, he accidentally brushed against his wife’s left breast which turned into a pre-dinner hand job in the living room.  Both parties were too tired to go upstairs and didn’t want their sometimes sweaty lovemaking to ruin the three-month old crushed velvet sectional they had special ordered from ABC Carpet. 

“It was great to finally get that physical contact we so badly needed,” said Marc.  “I’d hate to think that my son was possibly more sexually active than I’ve been this summer.”

With less than a week before the children arrive back home, the Fishmans, who used to have sex at least once a week before the kids were born, have lofty expectations of the next few nights.  Jennifer remarked, “Just turn off the lights, get on top and get it over with” to which Marc replied, “Works for me.”