Lake Huron, Pa (Aug 10) – He’s been going to a co-ed camp
for the past five years, but 17 year-old Camp Huron Lake CIT Jake Finkelstein
has yet to get to second with any of the female campers. Finkelstein, a straight A student at Roslyn
High School, has the exact characteristics he believes make him second-base
material for the discriminating lady campers.
Everything was in place this year for Jake to finally achieve
his years long goal of getting to second.
His grades were excellent. He
made the Junior Varsity Swim Team as well as the Debate Team, and his face has
never looked better after nine months of remarkable skin-clearing results from
ProActiv. He was, as several of his bunkmates noted, the
perfect guy to let get to second base.
Finkelstein even took to great lengths in order to ensure
his hands and cuticles were in tip-top shape.
His mother, Jenna, 45, brought him to her manicurist for several weeks
prior to the first day of camp to make sure his hands and nails were nice and
soft so as not to scratch or mar any skin on his way to second base. His mother warned him that a stray cuticle or
hang nail could be the difference between only getting to first versus going
all the way to second.
“Listen, I didn’t expect to get second when I was 13 or 14,
but the last three summers have been really tough for me,” a dejected
Finkelstein explained. “There have been
so many opportunities…out of camp trips, campfires, socials, I can’t even name
them all. I figured I’d get second
almost by accident with this many chances.”
Getting to second by Finkelstein’s age is fairly commonplace
in today’s hormone-crazy teen crowd.
Several of Finkelstein’s bunkmates claim to have gotten second off of
girls from home but none of these accounts have ever been verified. Longtime bunkmate Jake Steinway claims to
have gotten to second a bunch of times but never to third. “I live in the city so I pretty much get to
second every time I step on the subway.
Never under the shirt though. I
had a girlfriend this year and I almost got to second but she said it was ‘that
time of the month’. I was really
confused. What the hell does that even mean?”
confessed a perplexed Steinway, 17.
Most of the boys in Finkelstein’s group have offered up
advice to help break this unenviable streak.
“Tell her you’ve been certified/pre-approved to get to second”, “Challenge
her to wrestle”, and “Aim lower” are among the best advice he’s received so
far.
When several female CIT’s were asked about Finkelstein’s
chances of finally getting to second were, most replied with the same answer, “Finkelstein
came back to camp this summer? I don’t
remember seeing him.”
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