Color War Crazed-Camper Chanting “I Wanna Break Out” Gets Wish on Forehead and Chin Areas

Lake Huron, PA (August 9, 2014) – In a cruel twist of irony, fourteen-year old Senior Girl camper Jenna Solomon got exactly what she wished for as her forehead and chin broke were covered in acne moments after chanting “We Want a Break Out!”   As the acne spread across her face, Solomon quickly regretted her overly enthusiastic chanting.  Luckily for Solomon, Color War did break out only hours later.  She is a member of the Red Disney Pixar Dreamworks Animation team so she’ll be able to mask much of the break out with red face paint over the next five plus days.  “Let’s just hope my shipment of Proactiv+ gets here in the next few days,” an anxiety-ridden Solomon commented.

Camp Production of “The Color Purple” Not So Good; “Fiddler” to Return Next Summer

Huron Lake, PA (August 4, 2014) – Last night, The Murray Abraham Social Hall on the grounds of Camp Huron Lake was transformed into the American south for the 2014 summer production of “The Color Purple”.  Although the elaborate sets were stunning, the show opened to mostly negative reviews from campers and staff who sat through two and a half hours of depressing, lifeless theatre.

“The Color Purple”, a Tony Award Winning Musical, takes place mainly in Georgia between 1909 and 1937.   The shows tells the life of an African American woman named Celie Harris, played by Whoopi Goldberg, whose abuse from her father starts at a way too early age.  The show, adapted from the Steven Spielberg directed movie of the same name, focuses on the strong female characters looking to better their lives in a time and society where the odds are firmly stacked against them. 

Super Senior girl, Jana Finkelbaum of Woodbury, Long Island, played the lead role of Celie.  Finkelbaum, daughter of hedge fund honcho Murray Finkelbaum, just couldn’t seem to grasp the internal struggle faced by Celie throughout her adolescence.  The audience was clearly able to sense that misconnection.  “Let’s face it, there’s only one Whoopi, and Finkelbaum ain’t it,” sassy junior boy, Jake Rossenfeller, 9, opined, snapping his fingers as his head bobbed side to side.  “The only suffering she’s ever done is when her father couldn’t get One Direction to play at her Bat Mitzvah. Holla!”

Her performance shaky at best, Finkelbaum just couldn’t seem to capture the raw, unbridled emotion as well as grit and determination that Goldberg was able to bring to the screen.  In one particular scene, Celie is supposed to be working on the family’s farm but Finkelbaum went off script by having Celie refuse to walk in the muddy rows of cotton without her blue Hunter boots that match her Soffee tie-dye shorts.  Drama director, Steve Cohen, fumed after the unapproved liberty was taken by Finkelbaum.  “I’m fine with actors interpreting a character’s feelings and taking some risks, but this was just ridiculous.  Everyone knows her red Hunters match perfectly with those shorts.”

As the show mercifully came to a close, campers and staff alike were eager to leave the horrible performance as soon as possible. 

“I thought we’d try to do something a bit different this summer.  But next year we’ll go to the old standby, “Fiddler on the Roof.”  Who doesn’t tear up when Tevye sings Sunrise, Sunset?” admitted camp director Marty Feldstein.  “Plus, we already have the outfits and fake beards.”

Lozenge Cure for Heat Stroke, Fractured Pelvis, Torn ACL at Camp Infirmary

Lake Huron, PA (July 28, 2014) – It seems as the summer season rolls along, more and more campers are visiting the Camp Huron Lake Infirmary, lead by head nurse Rita Margolitz, RN.  Margolitz, a forty year veteran of the rustic oasis that is Huron Lake, has seen every injury, ailment, and sickness known to man.  And for every single camper that steps through the swinging door of the infirmary, she has a simple, yet unbelievably effective method of treatment: the throat lozenge. 

The throat lozenge is a medicated tablet intended to be dissolved slowly in the mouth to temporarily stop coughs and lubricate and soothe irritated tissues of the throat possibly from a cold or the flu.  Lozenges can be purchased over the counter at any of a number of pharmacies throughout North America.

Her methods have been questioned for years by the New England Journal of Medicine but what cannot be are the results Margolitz has been getting for four decades in the camping world.  Some of the world’s leading health care experts call this Orthodox Jewish nurse’s approach “completely and unequivocally unorthodox”.  Others think she may be on a string of luck or the recipient of Devine intervention for close to half a century.  But to Margolitz, diagnosis and treatment are quite simple. 

“When someone walks through the infirmary door, I go through a quick checklist.  First, I lecture them on the dangers of smoking by pointing out several dated posters that sarcastically show how glamorous and sophisticated smoking is, then we discuss the patient’s ailment.  After that, I go into my top drawer, pop a lozenge through the foil packaging and administer it to the patient.  Usually, the camper will watch some TV in an air conditioned room and within an hour or so they’re back to normal and on their way,” explained Margolitz.  “There’s really not much to it.”

The list of ailments treated so far this summer by a lozenge include a 104 degree fever, strained ligaments in a camper’s elbow, a torn ACL after a fall from a balance beam, a ruptured spleen, menstrual cramps, and the West Nile virus.

In the second week of the summer, Inter Boy Jake Gerstein, 12, from Marlboro, NJ shattered his femur attempting to jump from his top bunk to bunkmate’s Jake Schwartz’s bed approximately twenty-two feet away. He was rushed to the infirmary by his counselors and bunkmates, all concerned that Gerstein would pass out on the way.  After a healthy dose of lozenges, he spent the night in a cold sweat as his upper leg turned purple due to insufficient blood flow to the area and he developed a near deadly fever.  Drifting in and out of consciousness, a second round of lozenges was given in the middle of the night and he was released the next morning by Margolitz who had declared him “cured”.   “My thigh bone feels better than it did before I broke it,” said Gerstein.  “I think I may be able dunk now.”

Super Senior Boy camper Jake Shapiro, complaining of a sore throat, recently returned to his bunk after a quick trip to see Nurse Margolitz.  “I was expecting a lozenge but for some reason she put a knee brace on my elbow…not really sure why but I feel great,” a confused and clear-throated Shapiro commented. 

Goldie Vomits All Over Bunk After Eating Three Weeks Worth of Sugar in Four-Hour Span

Huron Lake, Pa (July 19, 2014) – With the exception of ten bowls of Golden Grahams cereal consumed in the "Goldie" competition, he hadn’t eaten anything with fructose, glucose, or corn syrup for nearly three weeks, so when Junior Boy camper Jake "Goldie" Goldenberg of Merrick, NY, received a candy-coated oversized tennis racquet from his parents on Visiting Day, his body was not equipped to handle the oncoming tidal wave of sugar.  No one could have possibly anticipated the horror that would unfold only seconds before his parents left to go home.

It was a beautiful day at Camp Huron Lake as parents lined up just outside the camp’s gates eagerly awaiting reunions with their children.  Once the proverbial flood gates opened, Jake’s mother, Elisa, ran to Bunk 11 with candy and bunk junk in hand.  As she reached the bunk porch, she was tackled by frothing-at-the-mouth Jake who ravenously grabbed the candy tennis racquet, yelled “Gimme bitch!”  He then retreated back inside the bunk like a mouse scampering back into its hole while his mother lay semi-conscious in the dirt under some damp towels on the outside lines. 

Jake began to work on the racquet handle made up of Gummi Bears and Gummi Worms.  After polishing them off in six minutes he started to work on the mini Three Musketeers on the shaft of the racquet quickly devouring between fifteen and twenty bars.  Just as his mother began to regain consciousness, his father, Jon, arrived after parking the car and feted him with a box of twenty-eight black and white cookies spelling out “Camp Huron Lake.  We love you Jake!”

After thanking his father for the cookies then quickly brushing him aside, Jake got back to work devouring the licorice strings of the racquet then hastily munched on the outer edge adorned with packages of Sour Patch Kids and Reese’s Pieces.  Letting out some foul-smelling anal acoustics, Jake then passed out on his bed in a two and a half hour sugar-induced coma.  While his father accompanied his mother to the infirmary to check out his mother’s head wound and possible concussion, Jake rested comfortably waiting to continue the candy onslaught.  

The afternoon siesta ended as Jake woke up from a horrible nightmare that Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula were choking him to death.  Wasting no time once awake, the ten year-old went to town on the cookies.   Unlike his childhood hero, Sesame Street’s Cookie Monster, Jake not only chewed all twenty-eight cookies, but he actually swallowed and digested them too.  As his stomach growled and he hunched over with sharp intestinal pains, the boy yelled out to everyone, “Everyone out of the bunk!!  You’ll thank me later!!”, grabbed an Archie comic book and did a dead sprint to the first bathroom stall.

A lengthy cleaning out of his bowels led Jake to scarf down a one-pound package of Oreos and washed it down with a six-pack of diet Mountain Dew.  As visiting day came to a close and Jake’s counselors were kindly ushering the parents out of the bunk area, Jake let out a 115 decibel (approximately equal to that of a rock concert) burp, vomited all over his bunkmate’s bed and the surrounding floor, then passed out again.   His parents, witnessing this unfortunate event, quickly rushed to their car to escape any responsibility.  “We pay a lot of money for him to go to this camp.  There’s no way I’m cleaning up after him.  Hell, it wasn’t even his bed he yakked on,” explained Jon as he jumped through the open window into the car leaving his concussed wife in his dust. “It was still a better day than we expected.”

Midget Rec to be Renamed “Little Person” Center

Lake Huron, PA (July 22, 2014) – Under pressure from various human rights groups and organizations, Camp Huron Lake has decided to finally change the name of its beloved yet politically incorrect Midget Rec to “The Little Person Center for Cinema and Losing Maccabean Games Banners” (LPCCLMGB).  

In a press release from Camp Director Marty Feldstein: “The Midget Rec has been a part of the Huron Lake family for many years.  My son watched the Little Mermaid on VHS for the first time in that 30x10 room and a few summers after that, touched his first female breast while his best friend’s foot was only inches away from his face.  His artwork is also immortalized here when he had a hand in creating of one of the crappiest Mac banners ever as a Provost for the Forces of Gilbert Gottfried in 1998.  Although the final chapter to the Midget Rec is complete, I look forward to years of rainy day Club Snatch and decades old movies.”

Group Leader Jake Kapferberg: “There’s no way I’m asking for an evening activity at The Little Person Center for Cinema and Losing Maccabean Games Banners.  Oh well, I guess I’ll bring the boys to Hebe Hall.”

Mother Shows Love through Visiting Day Candy Monstrosity

Huron Lake, PA (July 19, 2014) She claims to love her daughter more than any mother has ever loved a child.  She says she misses her daughter more than what is humanly possible.  And because this love or the bond between parent and child or the heartache felt when missing a loved one cannot possibly be measured, Jenna Silverberg, for Visiting Day, brought daughter and first-year Camp Huron Lake Junior Girl Sami Silverberg of Scarsdale, New York a monstrous, horrific candy structure to quantify and prove to the families of Sami’s bunkmates just how strong her feelings are toward her
offspring.

The plan was set in motion in early January as Silverberg partnered with local architect, James Baird as well as her nearby Costco in order to take advantage of bulk savings.  After rejecting several prototypes from Baird’s firm, Silverberg settled on a six-foot high titanium steel alloy structure that allowed for maximum candy placement and minimum added weight.  Additionally, the ginormous “Taj Mahal” of candy cakes featured seven hundred bags of Skittles that represent all the colors that her daughter likes, 13,500 Hershey kisses because that’s the approximate number of kisses she gives her daughter every week, and 16,000 pieces of Laffy Taffy since Sami loves to laugh when her mother isn’t constantly hovering over her. 

The bottom tier of the cake was comprised of five hundred packs of Starbursts to help reinforce the upper tiers.  The mid tiers included over 100,000 M & M’s, 12,000 Air Heads, and 850 packs of Oreos. She and her husband, Saul, a doctor specializing in diabetes, even rented a special trailer to transport the ridiculous behemoth 6.2 million calorie atrocity.  “I love my Sami more than anything in the world so I wanted to make sure she knew I didn’t forget about her these past three weeks,” confessed Silverberg, “Other than sending her three to five letters a day, there’s no better way to show my love than to spend $17,000 on candy for her and her bunkmates that will get thrown away after a day and a half.”

The candy cake did not, however, fit into Sami’s Bunk 6 so it was placed on the Girls’ Side lawn where many younger siblings climbed all over it like a jungle gym.  Unfortunately, four year-old visitor, Jake Steinberg fell off tier 5 and sprained his wrist when he landed on a bed of Ring Pops while one grandfather broke a crown biting into a Jolly Rancher.

A rumor floating around the weekend festivities is that Camp Director Marty Feldstein will ban candy next Visiting Day.  Many of the camp parents have been scrambling to figure out what items to bring their children so they can outdo the other parents.

Girl with Webbed Feet Sweeps Swim Meet

Lake Huron, Pa (July 14, 2014) – The Camp Pine Woods 14^th Annual Invitational Swim Meet was dominated by first year camper, Camp Huron Lake junior girl, Lexi Hoffman, 9, who won every event in the day long meet.  Hoffman, an avid swimmer from Syosset, NY, was born with syndactyly, more commonly known as “webbed feet”, on both feet.  This condition has allowed her to excel in the pool from the first time she swam.

The meet, which included ten different camps, had never been won by Huron Lake.  In fact, the camp and owner/director Marty Feldstein were a laughingstock among the other camps.  But that all changed when a plucky newcomer from Long Island with syndactyly blew away the competition in all all events.   Hoffman singlehandedly won the meet leaving nearly every existing meet record in her wake as she dominated in every stroke and every distance.  Hoffman was a one-girl wrecking ball.  

Lexi had never really given much thought in the past to her webbed feet especially during the school year when wearing sneakers and shoes are the norm.  But in her first summer away she struggled at the thought of exposing her webbed toes to her new friends all of whom brought a minimum of three different pairs of designer flip flops while she could only wear open-toed slides.  But from the second she walked into Bunk 12, she felt like she was home.  “Hey look, Lexi,” exclaimed 2^nd year camper and bunkmate Alisa Buchsbaum of Dix Hills, “I have a third nipple!”  “Lexi, Lexi look at me! Look at me!  I have a scar on my ear from when I was straightening my hair for my 1^st grade class pictures,” added Elena Rothbard of Millburn. “We’re all freaks!!!”

A calm van ride over to Camp Pine Woods followed by a peaceful walk across the camp to the pool turned nasty rather quickly as Hoffman and her pals heard some spirited chanting from the Camp Aztec girls.  “We’ve got webbed feet, we’ll sweep the swim meet! We’ve got webbed feet, we’ll sweep the swim meet!”  Incensed and overly protective of their new friend, the Huron Lake girls assumed the girls were poking fun at their duck-footed friend and approached the Aztec campers but were called off by Hoffman.  Steely-eyed and confident, Hoffman simply told her friends through clenched teeth, “We’ll settle it in the pool, motherfuckers.”

After taking the 100 meter freestyle, Hoffman followed with wins in the 50 meter backstroke, the 200 meter butterfly and the 100 meter individual medley.  As her friends prepared for the relays, Hoffman waved them off.  “It’s milk call.  Go over and get some sprinkle cookies and whole milk for me while I teach these bitches a lesson by myself,” the angry web-footed superstar remarked.

After a hero’s welcome upon her return to Huron Lake that evening, Hoffman was given a pedicure by her grossed out bunkmates.