Video Surfaces Showing Thrilled Campers Getting Off that Damn Bus

Huron Lake, Pa (June 29) – A video has surfaced on the Camp Huron Lake website showing hundreds of exhausted, road-weary children getting off the bus to their new home away from home for the next seven weeks.  After a nearly three hour ride from the Livingston Mall, the campers were less excited to be at camp and more relieved to just be off that fucking bus. 

After teary goodbyes and long, warm embraces with their parents, the campers are herded onto the busses by a designated high-ranking camp employee.  The parents, most of whom are wearing tear-hiding sunglasses, then run around the busses to see where their child is sitting, who the child is sitting with, and whether the child looks happy all through a heavily-darkened bus window which makes it near impossible to tell if their child is even on the bus.  They proceed to yell to non-descript silhouettes on the bus in hopes they’ll be able to read their child’s lips through the tinted glass of the bus as well as their designer shaded.  One mother was even seen yelling bathroom instructions to her 15 year-old son on the bus “IF YOU HAVE TO GO NUMBER ONE, GO ON THE BUS.  FOR A NUMBER TWO, WAIT TIL YOU GET TO YOUR BUNK!!”

“I remember last year, at least five other mothers came over to me to let me know their kid was sitting next to my Jakey. I didn’t have the heart to tell them that Jakey was behind a van vomiting from eating too much sesame chicken at his favorite Chinese restaurant from the night before,” said Julie Herstein of Livingston.  “If it makes them feel better, who am I to say anything?”

Many of the campers would prefer to be dropped off at the camp by their parents, instead of taking a long bus ride filled with other screaming children, the scent of spoiled turkey sandwiches left over from the school year, and intense heat from the broken air conditioning.  “I’ve spent the last ten months taking a bus to and from school and my parents put me on another G-d damn bus the first day of my vacation?  At the mall no less!” complained a clearly frustrated junior camper, Melissa Goldstein, 8 of West Orange, NJ. 

Camp Huron Lake Director Marty Feldstein works with his coach bus liaison from Leprechaun Lines to ensure that the air conditioning “malfunctions” during the ride so the kids are even more relieved to get off the bus. “I want the kids who are nervous about coming to be so excited just to get off the bus so I make sure it’s hot as blue blazes then I have the bus counselors confiscate all the kids’ lunches claiming that there are nut products in their sandwiches.  When they’re about to get off the bus, I get a British guy from Camp America to whisper to each kid to “put a bloody smile on your fooking face or else it’s going to be a long fooking summer, lad”.  At camp they’re welcomed with open arms and several industrial-sized fans along with a buffet-style luncheon.  It’s an unwritten rule among all the camp directors.  Who wouldn’t be happy about being there?”

“Marty pulls the same shit every year,” CIT Jake Levine, 16, of Marlboro, NJ complained.  Levine, who departs from the local high school, added, “I usually stuff my face before I get on the bus and wear a tank top and a frozen headband to deal with the conditions Marty creates for us.  But he does it with love so I can’t get made at that crazy bastard.”

Couple Pursues Help with "Sexpectations" for Child-Free Summer

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Facebook Duffel Bag Picture Postings Up 3,873,000% This Week

Menlo Park, CA (6/20/14) – On its most recent conference call with investors and lending financial institutions, Facebook, the social media phenomenon, has reported that black monogrammed duffel bag postings are up nearly four million percent over last week.  Most of these postings, Facebook reports, are coming from computers and smart phones located in the New York metropolitan area.  Wall Street analysts were also told that two-thirds of the pictures showed only the duffel bags while the other third featured an adolescent posing in the near vicinity of the bags. 

Duffel bags originated in the early 1900’s in Duffel, a town in Belgium where the thick cloth used to make the bag was manufactured.  It was a staple for outdoorsmen in the beginning and later the army green bag became synonymous with military personnel.  Now the black monogrammed bag is popular among Jewish parents who like to show their Facebook friends that their kids are packed and ready to go to sleepaway camp.  Unlike the soldiers who would throw their bags containing survival essentials over their shoulders and carry them for miles a time, the current day oft-photographed bags are usually only carried to the front door of the family’s home to await pick up by Camp America staff in a rented U-Haul.  

Mindy Goldfarb of Plainview, Long Island has three children who will be spending the summer at Camp Huron Lake in the Poconos.  For her, packing the six duffel bags the last two and a half months was a struggle filled with enormous pride once the bags left her home.  “Packing the kids up for camp is legitimately a full-time job.  Between shopping for new stuff, figuring out what clothing still fits, and trying to get all the necessary camp survival essentials like an extra pair of LeBrons or a fourth personalized camp tank top, a mother can really lose her shit for a few weeks.”

Goldfarb, enormously proud of her packing skills, hired local photographer George Williams of GW Photography to take some photos of the fully stuffed bags as they sat by the front door.  In addition to the pictures of the bags alone, Williams was able to get a few action shots of Goldfarb adding extra shower shoes to her son Jake’s bags and a great shot of the three kids laying on top of the bags and a few candid shots of the kids behind them.

To Goldfarb, the bags symbolize a reward for the children’s hard work throughout the school year but to the children they have a much different meaning.  “ I honestly have no idea what’s in these bags but all I know is that if I came within a ten foot radius of them, mom would lose it,” explained Jake, 10. 

Tips to Help Your First Time Camper

 

With only a few weeks to go before sleepaway camp season begins, it is only natural that there is a healthy amount of anxiety and nervousness for both parents and children who will be apart for the first extended period of time.  This summer promises to be filled with exciting experiences, newfound independence, and friendships that last forever.

Here are a few tips to help prepare your camper for his/her first step on a lifelong journey!

 

1.     There are some great camp movies to watch with your children before they go away.  My favorite to watch with the kids is Friday the 13^th Part 2.  It’s a fun tale of adolescent hyjinx at Camp Crystal Lake where some of the counselors and campers meet a hockey-loving, swordsman named “Jason”.  It’s a great peek into everyday life at camp.  Let your child know that odds are he’ll meet plenty of great kids named “Jason” in just a few short weeks. 

 

2.    Another way to ease your child’s trepidation is to let him/her know that you’re always just a phone call away but for the seven or so weeks he’ll be at camp, you’ll be in Europe and on safari in Africa so make sure his counselors understand the time zone difference and also that you’ll be unreachable or drunk during most of your vacation.  Also, roaming charges in foreign countries, especially in Africa, can be very expensive so it’s probably best just to write.

 

3.    Since you’ll probably be away on visiting day, let your little guy know that his/her grandparents may be there to see him but, more likely, a couple of temps and/or interns from daddy’s office will come up that day to play ball, eat sandwiches, meet your counselors and give you big hugs.  It’s preferable to send up a male and female but if you have to send up two of the same gender, let your child’s bunkmates know that they were legally married in Colorado or New Hampshire. 

 

4.     Sports are a huge part of his/her time at camp.  It’s important to make sure that you send your child with the best gear money can buy even if your child has never played a sport in his/her life.  Other children immediately will respect your kid as he picks daisies in his Lionel Messi uniform wearing $225 soccer cleats.  Nothing says “pick me first” like a kid in flourescent LeBron HyperDunks, Nike Elite socks, and an authentic Kevin Durant uniform.  He’ll be the most popular kid in the bunk!

 

5.    If your son is a bit undersized and is worried about some of the kids giving him a hard time a good idea is to send him up with a small stash of anabolic steroids.  Make sure to just pack the oral form since your child probably isn’t equipped to stick in a needle in his buttocks yet and syringes may be a red flag if found during bunk inspection.  It will almost certainly be a huge point deduction to his team during Color War.  If your 8 year-old comes home with yellow eyes, a back full of acne, and a full beard, then you know he “took care of business” on his own because nobody likes a snitch.  Plus, anabolics and all drugs are healthy if taken in moderation.

 

6.    If your new camper is having a tough time making friends, a great idea is to have him become a hero to his fellow campers.  The easiest way to do this is to have him run back to his bunk alone during an activity then take a 24 inch  20 lb sledgehammer to the bunk sink so water shoots all over the place.  He can run to tell the proper camp personnel about the “leak” and he’ll be a hero to one and all.  This scenario always works in every Curious George book so it should translate nicely to a summer camp setting.

 

7.    Another way for your camper to endear himself to his fellow bunkmates is to make sure his personal area is meticulously clean.  It’s not a horrible idea to send him to camp with a dustbuster or a small shop vac to ensure that his area is always spotless.  Also, you’ll want him to seal off his personal space with police tape so that none of the dirtier campers mess with his shit.

 

8.    If your camper gets a bit homesick, summer is a great time to experiment with mood-altering prescription drugs, especially a for a child’s first experience away from home.  Your child’s violent mood swings will be closely monitored under the watchful eyes of several hormonally super-charged 18 and 19 year-old counselors who are experts in behavioral sciences.   It’s a good idea to wean your child off the drug before he gets home then follow up with his counselor to see how he/she behaved.

 

9.    If your child has a tough time “going” in public, especially “doing a number 2”, tell him  to try to hold it in as long as possible so he/she won’t take away valuable time on the toilet from other campers.  No one likes a kid who hogs up the bathroom.  When camp is over, it’s advisable to feed your child some “special chocolate and milk” then quickly take him to the public restroom at the mall or office building where there are industrial-strength toilets. 

 

10.  If you have a son, it’s a good idea to send your new camper up with some adult magazines to share with the counselors.  Try to get him the real hard-core smut magazines that are sold as a three-pack at 7-Eleven or specialty magazines like Juggs or Barely Legal.  Counselors, especially Camp America staff, love those periodicals for the classy pictorials and top-notch journalism while they’re on OD.  Your son will instantly become the favorite of all the bunk staff.

 

11. Lastly, give your camper the assurance that when camp is over, there’s a good possibility that you’ll be there to pick him up from the bus if, of course, your plans with your college buddies fall through.  If you don’t show up, you’ll either send someone for him or have him call a local car service and you’ll see him when he gets home.

Suggested Camp Packing List

Boys				Girls
Item	QTY	Comments		Item	QTY	Comments
CLOTHING				CLOTHING
Socks	12	Only Nike Elite, LeBron, or KD socks may be worn during any basketball activity		Socks	20	Minimum 8 Living Royal pairs
Underwear	9	No white underwear allowed, camp not responsible for streaks		Underwear	30	4 pairs per day.  Wake up, after lunch, after shower, before bed
Bras	1	For 14 year olds to practice with		Bras	10	Need extra for under-boob sweat on hot days
Shirts	30	1 for sports activities, 29 for casual wear		Shirts	30	Minimum 10 Sugar Lips tanks
Shorts	20	Must reach knee.  No thigh allowed to be shown		Shorts	30	Maximum length: 1 inch below vagina
Jeans	0	Really?  Your kid wears sweat pants to school every day.  He's going to wear jeans in camp?		Jeans	10	Need extra in case of dramatic 7-week weight loss and, in rare occurances, slight weight gain
Sweatpants	5	See Jeans		Sweatpants	15	See jeans
Sweatshirts	2	UnderArmor, Nike Elite or Camp logo only		Sweatshirts	1	12 Bunkmates x 1 sweatshirt each = 12 sweatshirts to share
Pajamas	0	Wear evening activity outfit to bed		Pajamas	15	Need for all bunk temperatures from 60 to 75 degrees
Bathrobe	0	If you wear a bathrobe how will you bare-ass your buddy's bed before you get into the shower?		Bathrobe	2	1 Egyptian cotton, 1 silk
Dress Outfit	0	Who do you have to look good for?		Dress Outfit	5	Have to look good for the boys
Sneakers	8	Basketball, Tennis, Hardcourt Gaga, Tetherball, get togethers with female campers, old pair to wear to bowling so you can steal the bowling shoes		Sneakers	8	Two for sports, six for matching purposes
Rain Boots	0	See Slides/Flip Flops		Rain Boots	1	Hunter Boots only
Slides	4	Pre-game, post-game, breakfast-wear, old pair for rainy days		Slides/Flip Flops	2	Need to be able to show off pedicure from day before camp started
Shower Shoes	0	The shower floor is full of soap and shampoo so it's clean		Shower Shoes	2	Too much of Jenna Stein's kinky jewfro on shower floor
Hooded Raincoat	1	Charles River only - no others allowed		Hooded Raincoat	1	Probably won't leave bunk in the rain but just in case
Bathing Suits	7	One for each day, hang dry, no need to wash.  Pool chlorine kinda like bleach.  Full body wet suits provided for lake activities so skin never touches lake water		Bathing Suits	21	Can't be seen in same suit more than twice a summer
BEDDING AND LINENS				BEDDING AND LINENS
Pillow	1	To be thrown out/burned before it returns home		Pillow	2	1 cotton, 1 silk
Bed Sheets	1	To be thrown out/burned before it returns home		Bed Sheets	2	1 cotton, 1 silk
Top Sheets	0	What's a top sheet?		Top Sheets	2	1 cotton, 1 silk
Pillowcases	1	To be thrown out/burned before it returns home		Pillowcases	4	2 cotton, 2 silk
Swim Towels	0	See All-Purpose Towels		Swim Towels	10	Throw away if falls off outside line and touches ground
Bath Towels	0	See All-Purpose Towels		Bath Towels	20	10 for body, 10 for hair
All-Purpose towels	1	Use, dry, repeat		All-Purpose towels	10	Need extras just in case
Bathroom towels	0	Use shirt or dry hand inconspicuously by jumping on friend's bed and wiping on blanket		Bathroom towels	4	Have Color War/Olympic colors and only allow bunkmates on same team to use
Washcloths	0	See shampoo		Washcloths	10	Throw away if it touches the shower floor
Blanket	1	To be brought straight to dry cleaner immediately after picking kid up from bus		Blanket	1	To be brought straight to dry cleaner immediately after picking kid up from bus
TOILETRIES				TOILETRIES
Toothbrush	1	No parents, no brushing.  Brush day before Visiting Day		Toothbrush	8	1 Per week plus an extra
Toothpaste	0	Borrow Goldberg's		Toothpaste	2
Hairbrush	0	Use hand		Hairbrush	3	1 each for humid, rainy and sunny days
Comb	0	Use hand		Comb	3	See Hairbrush
Soap Bars	0	See Shampoo		Soap Bars	8	Face, body, foot soaps needed
Soap Case	0	See Shampoo		Soap Case	8	Every bar of soap needs its own case, no?
Shampoo	1	Use 3 in 1 so Shampoo/Conditioner/Soap drips from head to body to clean self		Shampoo	8	1 Per week plus an extra
Carry Basket	0	See Shampoo		Carry Basket	2
Tissues	0	Borrow Goldberg's		Tissues	4	Extra boxes needed for pre-pubescent girls who need to stuff bra
Sunscreen	0	Not a chance he'll put it on		Sunscreen	4	Don't want to look like mother who grew up in the 70's-80's
Nail Clipper	0	Go to Camp Mother.  Get lice check too.  Enjoy head massage with small wooden stick		Nail Clipper	1	Plus extra nail grooming accessories for rainy bunk days
Refillable Water Bottle	0	Can't drink camp water.  Buy Aquafina for $2 a bottle in vending machine		Refillable Water Bottle	0	Can't drink camp water.  Buy Aquafina for $2 a bottle in vending machine
OTHER				OTHER
Cleats	5	Baseball, soccer, lacrosse, flag football, Gaga		Cleats	1
Laundry Bag	0	Use bunkmate's bag.  Claim it as own.		Laundry Bag	2	1 for Candy, 1 for others
Flashlight with Extra Batteries	1	Perfect for flashlight fights on bunk ceiling while being yelled at by OD counselor who is anxiously waiting to meet up with his girlfriend		Flashlight with Extra Batteries	1
Stationery, stamps, pre-addressed	2	One letter before Visiting Day to tell parents what to bring up, one for after to tell them how disappointed you were with what they actually brought		Stationery, stamps, pre-addressed	70	Only know how to text friends.  Will need to learn how to write letter, address envelope
iTouch	2	Can't run the risk of losing one with no backup		iTouch	1
Books	5	Archie Comics only paperback allowed		Books	5
Baseball hats/caps	10	9 flat lid for looks, 1 for actually playing baseball		Baseball hats/caps	1	For humid days when the flat iron is being used by Jenna Stein
Sleeping bag	1	for last night of camp.  Everyone knows you don't go camping at camp.		Sleeping bag	1	for last night of camp.  Everyone knows you don't go camping at camp.

Camp Huron Lake to Provide Campers with Finest Bed Sand in the World

Huron Lake, PA (May 25, 2014) – In an effort to keep up with increased competition in the world of overnight camps, Camp Huron Lake Director Marty Feldstein has imported the finest sand known to man to place in each camper’s bed for the upcoming summer.  After spending several months this winter in Colombia negotiating with the Sandiago cartel, Feldstein was able to import just under 100 kilos of South America’s choicest powdery white foot candy.

 

Feldstein and his wife, Shelly, returned to Liberty National Airport in Newark, NJ with a suitcase full of 10 cellophane-wrapped bricks of the Colombian sand along with several pounds of coffee grinds spread throughout to ensure that the delivery would go undetected through the US Customs process.  At almost $120/kilo on the wholesale market, Feldstein wanted to ensure the camp would make a big hit with the kids this summer.   “For years the kids have been complaining about the lakefront sand in their beds.  It’s so grainy and coarse and wreaks havoc on the campers’ lower regions so I figured by scoring some primo smack for their beds, it would show the commitment we’ve been making to make this camp a luxury camping experience.”

 

After using nearly 65 kilos of the 100% pure Colombian sand on both boys and girls sides, Feldstein and his hired female Camp America staff hit the Arts & Crafts room to “cut” or dilute the sand with talcum powder and vitamin B to sell to other camps in the area.  The staff, clad in only their bras and underwear, was checked after their shifts to make sure none of the ultra-valuable sand was leaving with them.  Marty, known through the Poconos as “The Sandman”, has a reputation as a shrewd and ruthless business man when it comes to his sand. “Motherfuckers want steal my shit in front of me? Fuck that.  These sons of bitches be missin’ free play and shit if they fuck wit me.” 

 

The initial bed sand is included in the cost of the camp tuition but additional grams can be purchased in the canteen at $60/gram.  Some campers become quickly hooked on the sand and find they cannot sleep without it.  It’s all part of Feldstein’s plan.  “First one is always free.”

 

With a street value of $75/gram, Camp Huron Lake stands to make a killing distributing.  Feldstein explained his methods of dealing.  “Some camps want to buy a half bitch (1.75 grams) while others want an 8-ball (3.5 grams).  I usually try to get them to buy a half zip (1/2 ounce) or a zip (1 ounce) because they’d be getting more for their money.  Who buys a half bitch anymore? That won’t even be enough for the junior boys division at my camp!!”

 

After lights out on the first night of camp, Inter girl Jessie Kaplan, 11, summed up what most of the hundreds of Huron Lake campers were feeling.  “There’s nothing like coming back to camp and having that feeling of sand in your bed.  It’s really hard to describe but this new shit Marty scored for us so soft and smooth, you can really tell it’s quality shit.  I feel like I’m really at my home away from home again.”

 

Classmates Think Rosenstein is Going “Camping” for Entire Summer

North Massapequa, LI (May 1) – Even though he’s been attending Camp Huron Lake since 3^rd Grade, 14 year-old Jake Rosenstein’s school friends, Joey (“Joey D”) D’Andressio and Shawn (“SMac”) McMurray still believe Rosenstein spends seven weeks and two days in a tent in the woods somewhere in a remote part of Pennsylvania.  For years, his two childhood chums always wonder why Rosenstein would rather “rough it” in the woods instead of hanging out at McMurray’s above-ground pool all summer.

Like many non-Jews, D’Andressio and McMurray believe summer camp involves living in tents, eating meals cooked over a campfire started only by rubbing sticks together, hiking for miles, bathing and washing clothing in a local stream and sleeping under the stars.  But the boys couldn’t be more wrong about what goes on at Jake’s sleepaway camp.  

Sure there are campfires almost every week but these campfires are started by using a Duraflame log strictly supervised by a local member of the volunteer fire department.  Once the campfire is in full force, campers circle around the 4-foot high perimeter barrier and roast their marshmallows using a pole vault-sized surgical steel rod.   Camp Director Marty Feldstein believes safety around the campfire simply cannot be overlooked.  “About thirty years ago, one of our junior boy campers was making a S’More on the campfire when an ember landed on his EG’s.  Needless to say his summer was ruined although I always wondered why a boy would wear socks like that.”

While his friends every summer believe that going camping is the perfect time for Rosenstein, a bit short for his weight, to take off those extra pounds gained during the school year.  But Camp Huron Lake’s dining schedule is not exactly eating a few bowls of fire-roasted baked beans twice a day.  Starting with a breakfast including either pancakes or waffles, home fries, bacon substitute strips, assorted cold cereals and a variety of beverages, campers eat until they have enough nourishment for a day full of fun and exciting activities.  After a mid-morning snack, the campers return for a hot lunch buffet which consists of the special of the day along with three types of pasta with five different sauces, ten organic deli meats, a 75-foot long salad bar, and a frozen yogurt area with more choices than any one of the thirteen yogurt stores in Rosenstein’s Long Island hometown. 
 

After a few afternoon activities the campers are treated to fruit and homemade cookies and freshly pasteurized milk from the local organic farm.  This snack break is followed by a few more activities then the campers return to the Indoor/Outdoor dining pavilion for dinner served by a tuxedo-clad wait staff.   As nice as this sounds, an affected Rosenstein begs to differ.  “The eating situation isn’t as great as it seems.  A few nights ago, our bunk waiter forgot to my counselor’s Pinot Noir and all hell broke loose.  Sometimes living off the land for two months can be very difficult.”

D’Andressio and McMurray also cannot figure out how Rosenstein and his favorite clothes come back in pristine condition after a rugged summer of the outdoor elements.  “We figured between the rain and the mud and sleeping on the floor of a filthy tent, Rosey would come home and be a filthy mess but we meet him at the camp bus, and he smells like some of that Pot Porri.  Fuckin’ guy looks like he spent the summer at the Brentwood Country Club,” cried a flabbergasted McMurray.  While not exactly a country club, McMurray’s sentiments about Camp Huron Lake aren’t far from the truth. 

Each bunk is equipped with two vintage ceramic-tiled shower stalls to give the children a rustic outdoorsy feel.  Both stalls have ten pressurized nozzles to ensure that even the dirtiest camper will get somewhat clean.  The campers are wrapped up in Egyptian cotton towels by the bunk bathroom attendant before moving to his/her own walk-in closet.  

Dirty clothing is cleaned in the 24-hour on-camp laundromat while delicate items such as basketball, football, and baseball jerseys are laundered by the Camp America dry cleaning staff.  While some may find these creature comforts over the top, Rosenstein can’t overstate the importance of having these facilities at his beck and call.  “Last summer, I got a dime-sized drop of imported Belgian vanilla ice cream on the bottom of my white camp shirt.  Thank god the camp laundry is open day and night.  Can you imagine how embarrassing that would be to walk around in a shirt like that!”

Upon seeing his home friends at the end of the summer, Rosenstein is peppered with questions on his camping odyssey.   He always simply replies, “It’s rough out there for seven weeks but this kind of experience helps transform a boy into a man.”