Mother of New Camper Loses 18 Pounds in 5 Days on Trips To/From Mailbox

Marlboro, NJ (July 5, 2014) – Jennifer Weinberg, mother of Camp Huron Lake camper Jake, 9, has lost a staggering eighteen pounds in just under five days since her son went away last Saturday. After years of dieting in hopes of losing that extra pregnancy weight, it seems all it took was 1,700 trips from her house to the mailbox and back in 67 hours. 

Mrs. Weinberg, 40, and her husband, Jason, 41, a podiatrist, live in a 1990’s custom colonial in the exclusive Bellie Haire section of town.  Their beautiful brick-style mailbox, built last November after some local hooligans knocked their old one down during a Mischief Night rampage, is approximately 115 feet from the house from the front door and 90 feet from the side-entrance garage.   Additionally, the driveway slopes down at a thirteen degree angle making the walk back to the house slightly more taxing on Mrs. Weinberg’s calves. 

Although the mail has typically arrived each day between 3:30 and 4:00 PM for the past decade or so, Jennifer began checking only minutes after her husband left for work at 8:35 AM Monday morning.  Thinking that maybe the US Postal Service decided to change their routes for the summer, Mrs. Weinberg, while eating her Greek yogurt breakfast, made her second trip to the mailbox at 8:41 followed by a third when a FedEx delivery van drove past the house.  A fourth trip ensued a few seconds after returning to the house when she mistook the churning of the washing machine for the sound of a mailbox opening and closing from a tenth of a mile away.  This scenario repeated itself until around 12:30 when she normally eats her NutriSystem lunch.  Too distracted to eat, Weinberg made more trips to the mailbox at the sound of a dog barking, a bicycle bell ringing, and a car whizzing by.  After nearly 550 round trips, her local USPS mail carrier, Jim Henderson, finally arrived with a ValPak, two credit card solicitations, and a bank statement.

Even after the mail had arrived, she didn’t stop checking.  “I thought maybe Jake’s letter was delivered to a neighbor accidentally and someone came by to put it in our mailbox,” explained a sore-legged Weinberg.  “Maybe he sent something through UPS.  I doubt it but there’s always an outside chance he did.”

As Jake was meeting new friends, playing his favorite sports, and comfortably settling into his new home for the next seven weeks, Jennifer continued looking for any sign that the mail may have arrived over the next several days.  After three days of countless trips to the mailbox and eating very little, Mrs. Weinberg’s Lululemon yoga pants and sports tank seemed a bit loose.  “I’ve been trying to lose weight for years through dieting…Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, yada, yada, yada but I rarely exercised although I do love wearing Lulu so everyone thinks I work out.  But physically, I feel great after losing 18 pounds.  Mentally, I’m a wreck since I still haven’t heard from my Jake.”

Jason Weinberg is secretly hoping Jake does not write home until his wife is down to her honeymoon weight.  “I tried to convince her that mail is still delivered on July 4^th and Sundays but I’m not sure if she bought that.”

Goldberg, Goldstein, Golden, Gold, Goldenberg, Goldfarb, Goldwyn, Goldner, and Lipschitz Battle for “Goldie” Nickname in Junior Boy Division

Huron Lake, Pa (July 3) – After an unbelievably confusing first two days of camp in the Junior Boys division, a competition to determine which Camp Huron Lake Junior Boy camper would claim the nickname “Goldie” for the summer of 2014 finished late yesterday afternoon with Jake Goldenberg of Merrick, NY earning the right to the coveted nickname.  Because of the unbelievably high demand for the name in the sixty boy junior division, camp director Marty Feldstein was forced to step in to create a two day competition to determine who gets the right to be called “Goldie” over the next seven plus weeks. 

The participants included Jake Goldberg of Syosset, Jake Goldstein of Scarsdale, Jake Golden of Silver Spring, Jake Gold of Livingston, Jake Goldfarb of New York City, Jake Goldwyn of New City, Jake Goldner of Marlboro and Zach Lipschitz, the only boy in the division with blonde hair, of Cherry Hill.  The campers competed in a series of athletic and intellectual events over two days used to test their worthiness of being “Goldie” for the summer.

In the first competition of Day One, the boys were given pick axes and asked to dig up a fenced in portion of the ground near the dining hall where Feldstein buried three replica gold nuggets.  After two hours of intense digging, Jake Goldstein found the first one, followed Gold, then Goldenberg.  Shortly after the competition, Feldstein, an opportunist always looking to cut costs, planted a vegetable garden where the boys had done their digging.  “So pretty much Marty staged this event so he wouldn’t have to pay a landscaper.  He’s a cheap bastard, but I’ll take the win,” an exhausted and sweaty Goldstein remarked.

Following the physically strenuous first leg of the competition, the boys settled in for a test in which they were asked to pick who among five female CITs was posing as a gold digger.  The series of questions from the gold digging thespian included “Where are you from? What do you do for a living?   What kind of car do you drive?  How big is your apartment/house/summer home? and What college/grad school/law school did you attend?”  Jake Goldfarb, 9, whose father Mel, 73, a retired neurosurgeon, and mother, Gynnyfer, 31, are both alumni of Huron Lake, easily won the event with little competition from the other nine and ten year-olds. 

Day Two started with an exciting down-to-the-wire eating contest at breakfast.  Each boy was presented with ten bowls of Golden Grahams to consume in the quickest time.   Goldenberg, strictly forbidden from eating sugar cereals at home, ravenously scarfed down all ten bowls in 24 minutes.  As his eyes bulged from his head, he jumped up on the dining hall table, screamed “Oh, those Golden Grahams, oh, those Golden Grahams!!,” proceeded to let out a dining room-vibrating belch then vomited on the adjacent senior girl’s table and was sent to the infirmary for observation.

 

After allowing Goldenberg to recover, the boys were presented with several gold rope necklaces.  The boys were required to determine whether the piece of jewelry was A. 18k, B. 14k, or C. gold-plated.  Additionally, they had to guess the weight of each piece to the nearest gram, as well as when the rope necklace went out of style to the nearest year.  Zach Lipschitz was the winner but was disqualified from the event when one of the other boys found a jewelry loop in his cubby after the competition.  Goldwyn, the runner up, was then awarded first place.

At the end of two days of events, Goldenberg and Goldstein were tied atop the leaderboard so the two boys were forced to participate in a sudden death, tie-breaker in front of the entire division.  “Boys,” Marty exclaimed, “the camper who can dig for gold and produce the biggest booger will earn the right to be called “Goldie” for the summer!  Let the digging begin!!!”

Goldstein immediately jammed his right pointer finger up his left nostril, closed his eyes, and produced a 3.4 milligram booger to the delight of his fellow campers.  With a cocky laugh, Goldenberg, who suffers from allergies to dust and cut grass, calmly strode to the middle of the division meeting area.  Before starting to pick he addressed his campmates.  “I want to thank the groundskeeper of this fine establishment for cutting the lawn in front of our bunk today and the boys’ side porter for getting drunk with some townies last night and oversleeping his mopping shift this morning.  The dust is plentiful, my eyes are red and my nose is stuffed.” He then drew his left middle finger for maximum reach and, with the aid of his thumb, pulled out one of the largest boogers ever seen in the Huron Lake vicinity.  “Don’t bother to weigh it,” Goldstein valiantly conceded, “You’re the Goldie, Goldenberg.”

Next week Jake Silverberg and Jake Silverstein will battle it out for the right to be called “Silvie”.

Video Surfaces Showing Thrilled Campers Getting Off that Damn Bus

Huron Lake, Pa (June 29) – A video has surfaced on the Camp Huron Lake website showing hundreds of exhausted, road-weary children getting off the bus to their new home away from home for the next seven weeks.  After a nearly three hour ride from the Livingston Mall, the campers were less excited to be at camp and more relieved to just be off that fucking bus. 

After teary goodbyes and long, warm embraces with their parents, the campers are herded onto the busses by a designated high-ranking camp employee.  The parents, most of whom are wearing tear-hiding sunglasses, then run around the busses to see where their child is sitting, who the child is sitting with, and whether the child looks happy all through a heavily-darkened bus window which makes it near impossible to tell if their child is even on the bus.  They proceed to yell to non-descript silhouettes on the bus in hopes they’ll be able to read their child’s lips through the tinted glass of the bus as well as their designer shaded.  One mother was even seen yelling bathroom instructions to her 15 year-old son on the bus “IF YOU HAVE TO GO NUMBER ONE, GO ON THE BUS.  FOR A NUMBER TWO, WAIT TIL YOU GET TO YOUR BUNK!!”

“I remember last year, at least five other mothers came over to me to let me know their kid was sitting next to my Jakey. I didn’t have the heart to tell them that Jakey was behind a van vomiting from eating too much sesame chicken at his favorite Chinese restaurant from the night before,” said Julie Herstein of Livingston.  “If it makes them feel better, who am I to say anything?”

Many of the campers would prefer to be dropped off at the camp by their parents, instead of taking a long bus ride filled with other screaming children, the scent of spoiled turkey sandwiches left over from the school year, and intense heat from the broken air conditioning.  “I’ve spent the last ten months taking a bus to and from school and my parents put me on another G-d damn bus the first day of my vacation?  At the mall no less!” complained a clearly frustrated junior camper, Melissa Goldstein, 8 of West Orange, NJ. 

Camp Huron Lake Director Marty Feldstein works with his coach bus liaison from Leprechaun Lines to ensure that the air conditioning “malfunctions” during the ride so the kids are even more relieved to get off the bus. “I want the kids who are nervous about coming to be so excited just to get off the bus so I make sure it’s hot as blue blazes then I have the bus counselors confiscate all the kids’ lunches claiming that there are nut products in their sandwiches.  When they’re about to get off the bus, I get a British guy from Camp America to whisper to each kid to “put a bloody smile on your fooking face or else it’s going to be a long fooking summer, lad”.  At camp they’re welcomed with open arms and several industrial-sized fans along with a buffet-style luncheon.  It’s an unwritten rule among all the camp directors.  Who wouldn’t be happy about being there?”

“Marty pulls the same shit every year,” CIT Jake Levine, 16, of Marlboro, NJ complained.  Levine, who departs from the local high school, added, “I usually stuff my face before I get on the bus and wear a tank top and a frozen headband to deal with the conditions Marty creates for us.  But he does it with love so I can’t get made at that crazy bastard.”

Couple Pursues Help with "Sexpectations" for Child-Free Summer

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Facebook Duffel Bag Picture Postings Up 3,873,000% This Week

Menlo Park, CA (6/20/14) – On its most recent conference call with investors and lending financial institutions, Facebook, the social media phenomenon, has reported that black monogrammed duffel bag postings are up nearly four million percent over last week.  Most of these postings, Facebook reports, are coming from computers and smart phones located in the New York metropolitan area.  Wall Street analysts were also told that two-thirds of the pictures showed only the duffel bags while the other third featured an adolescent posing in the near vicinity of the bags. 

Duffel bags originated in the early 1900’s in Duffel, a town in Belgium where the thick cloth used to make the bag was manufactured.  It was a staple for outdoorsmen in the beginning and later the army green bag became synonymous with military personnel.  Now the black monogrammed bag is popular among Jewish parents who like to show their Facebook friends that their kids are packed and ready to go to sleepaway camp.  Unlike the soldiers who would throw their bags containing survival essentials over their shoulders and carry them for miles a time, the current day oft-photographed bags are usually only carried to the front door of the family’s home to await pick up by Camp America staff in a rented U-Haul.  

Mindy Goldfarb of Plainview, Long Island has three children who will be spending the summer at Camp Huron Lake in the Poconos.  For her, packing the six duffel bags the last two and a half months was a struggle filled with enormous pride once the bags left her home.  “Packing the kids up for camp is legitimately a full-time job.  Between shopping for new stuff, figuring out what clothing still fits, and trying to get all the necessary camp survival essentials like an extra pair of LeBrons or a fourth personalized camp tank top, a mother can really lose her shit for a few weeks.”

Goldfarb, enormously proud of her packing skills, hired local photographer George Williams of GW Photography to take some photos of the fully stuffed bags as they sat by the front door.  In addition to the pictures of the bags alone, Williams was able to get a few action shots of Goldfarb adding extra shower shoes to her son Jake’s bags and a great shot of the three kids laying on top of the bags and a few candid shots of the kids behind them.

To Goldfarb, the bags symbolize a reward for the children’s hard work throughout the school year but to the children they have a much different meaning.  “ I honestly have no idea what’s in these bags but all I know is that if I came within a ten foot radius of them, mom would lose it,” explained Jake, 10. 

Tips to Help Your First Time Camper

 

With only a few weeks to go before sleepaway camp season begins, it is only natural that there is a healthy amount of anxiety and nervousness for both parents and children who will be apart for the first extended period of time.  This summer promises to be filled with exciting experiences, newfound independence, and friendships that last forever.

Here are a few tips to help prepare your camper for his/her first step on a lifelong journey!

 

1.     There are some great camp movies to watch with your children before they go away.  My favorite to watch with the kids is Friday the 13^th Part 2.  It’s a fun tale of adolescent hyjinx at Camp Crystal Lake where some of the counselors and campers meet a hockey-loving, swordsman named “Jason”.  It’s a great peek into everyday life at camp.  Let your child know that odds are he’ll meet plenty of great kids named “Jason” in just a few short weeks. 

 

2.    Another way to ease your child’s trepidation is to let him/her know that you’re always just a phone call away but for the seven or so weeks he’ll be at camp, you’ll be in Europe and on safari in Africa so make sure his counselors understand the time zone difference and also that you’ll be unreachable or drunk during most of your vacation.  Also, roaming charges in foreign countries, especially in Africa, can be very expensive so it’s probably best just to write.

 

3.    Since you’ll probably be away on visiting day, let your little guy know that his/her grandparents may be there to see him but, more likely, a couple of temps and/or interns from daddy’s office will come up that day to play ball, eat sandwiches, meet your counselors and give you big hugs.  It’s preferable to send up a male and female but if you have to send up two of the same gender, let your child’s bunkmates know that they were legally married in Colorado or New Hampshire. 

 

4.     Sports are a huge part of his/her time at camp.  It’s important to make sure that you send your child with the best gear money can buy even if your child has never played a sport in his/her life.  Other children immediately will respect your kid as he picks daisies in his Lionel Messi uniform wearing $225 soccer cleats.  Nothing says “pick me first” like a kid in flourescent LeBron HyperDunks, Nike Elite socks, and an authentic Kevin Durant uniform.  He’ll be the most popular kid in the bunk!

 

5.    If your son is a bit undersized and is worried about some of the kids giving him a hard time a good idea is to send him up with a small stash of anabolic steroids.  Make sure to just pack the oral form since your child probably isn’t equipped to stick in a needle in his buttocks yet and syringes may be a red flag if found during bunk inspection.  It will almost certainly be a huge point deduction to his team during Color War.  If your 8 year-old comes home with yellow eyes, a back full of acne, and a full beard, then you know he “took care of business” on his own because nobody likes a snitch.  Plus, anabolics and all drugs are healthy if taken in moderation.

 

6.    If your new camper is having a tough time making friends, a great idea is to have him become a hero to his fellow campers.  The easiest way to do this is to have him run back to his bunk alone during an activity then take a 24 inch  20 lb sledgehammer to the bunk sink so water shoots all over the place.  He can run to tell the proper camp personnel about the “leak” and he’ll be a hero to one and all.  This scenario always works in every Curious George book so it should translate nicely to a summer camp setting.

 

7.    Another way for your camper to endear himself to his fellow bunkmates is to make sure his personal area is meticulously clean.  It’s not a horrible idea to send him to camp with a dustbuster or a small shop vac to ensure that his area is always spotless.  Also, you’ll want him to seal off his personal space with police tape so that none of the dirtier campers mess with his shit.

 

8.    If your camper gets a bit homesick, summer is a great time to experiment with mood-altering prescription drugs, especially a for a child’s first experience away from home.  Your child’s violent mood swings will be closely monitored under the watchful eyes of several hormonally super-charged 18 and 19 year-old counselors who are experts in behavioral sciences.   It’s a good idea to wean your child off the drug before he gets home then follow up with his counselor to see how he/she behaved.

 

9.    If your child has a tough time “going” in public, especially “doing a number 2”, tell him  to try to hold it in as long as possible so he/she won’t take away valuable time on the toilet from other campers.  No one likes a kid who hogs up the bathroom.  When camp is over, it’s advisable to feed your child some “special chocolate and milk” then quickly take him to the public restroom at the mall or office building where there are industrial-strength toilets. 

 

10.  If you have a son, it’s a good idea to send your new camper up with some adult magazines to share with the counselors.  Try to get him the real hard-core smut magazines that are sold as a three-pack at 7-Eleven or specialty magazines like Juggs or Barely Legal.  Counselors, especially Camp America staff, love those periodicals for the classy pictorials and top-notch journalism while they’re on OD.  Your son will instantly become the favorite of all the bunk staff.

 

11. Lastly, give your camper the assurance that when camp is over, there’s a good possibility that you’ll be there to pick him up from the bus if, of course, your plans with your college buddies fall through.  If you don’t show up, you’ll either send someone for him or have him call a local car service and you’ll see him when he gets home.

Suggested Camp Packing List

Boys				Girls
Item	QTY	Comments		Item	QTY	Comments
CLOTHING				CLOTHING
Socks	12	Only Nike Elite, LeBron, or KD socks may be worn during any basketball activity		Socks	20	Minimum 8 Living Royal pairs
Underwear	9	No white underwear allowed, camp not responsible for streaks		Underwear	30	4 pairs per day.  Wake up, after lunch, after shower, before bed
Bras	1	For 14 year olds to practice with		Bras	10	Need extra for under-boob sweat on hot days
Shirts	30	1 for sports activities, 29 for casual wear		Shirts	30	Minimum 10 Sugar Lips tanks
Shorts	20	Must reach knee.  No thigh allowed to be shown		Shorts	30	Maximum length: 1 inch below vagina
Jeans	0	Really?  Your kid wears sweat pants to school every day.  He's going to wear jeans in camp?		Jeans	10	Need extra in case of dramatic 7-week weight loss and, in rare occurances, slight weight gain
Sweatpants	5	See Jeans		Sweatpants	15	See jeans
Sweatshirts	2	UnderArmor, Nike Elite or Camp logo only		Sweatshirts	1	12 Bunkmates x 1 sweatshirt each = 12 sweatshirts to share
Pajamas	0	Wear evening activity outfit to bed		Pajamas	15	Need for all bunk temperatures from 60 to 75 degrees
Bathrobe	0	If you wear a bathrobe how will you bare-ass your buddy's bed before you get into the shower?		Bathrobe	2	1 Egyptian cotton, 1 silk
Dress Outfit	0	Who do you have to look good for?		Dress Outfit	5	Have to look good for the boys
Sneakers	8	Basketball, Tennis, Hardcourt Gaga, Tetherball, get togethers with female campers, old pair to wear to bowling so you can steal the bowling shoes		Sneakers	8	Two for sports, six for matching purposes
Rain Boots	0	See Slides/Flip Flops		Rain Boots	1	Hunter Boots only
Slides	4	Pre-game, post-game, breakfast-wear, old pair for rainy days		Slides/Flip Flops	2	Need to be able to show off pedicure from day before camp started
Shower Shoes	0	The shower floor is full of soap and shampoo so it's clean		Shower Shoes	2	Too much of Jenna Stein's kinky jewfro on shower floor
Hooded Raincoat	1	Charles River only - no others allowed		Hooded Raincoat	1	Probably won't leave bunk in the rain but just in case
Bathing Suits	7	One for each day, hang dry, no need to wash.  Pool chlorine kinda like bleach.  Full body wet suits provided for lake activities so skin never touches lake water		Bathing Suits	21	Can't be seen in same suit more than twice a summer
BEDDING AND LINENS				BEDDING AND LINENS
Pillow	1	To be thrown out/burned before it returns home		Pillow	2	1 cotton, 1 silk
Bed Sheets	1	To be thrown out/burned before it returns home		Bed Sheets	2	1 cotton, 1 silk
Top Sheets	0	What's a top sheet?		Top Sheets	2	1 cotton, 1 silk
Pillowcases	1	To be thrown out/burned before it returns home		Pillowcases	4	2 cotton, 2 silk
Swim Towels	0	See All-Purpose Towels		Swim Towels	10	Throw away if falls off outside line and touches ground
Bath Towels	0	See All-Purpose Towels		Bath Towels	20	10 for body, 10 for hair
All-Purpose towels	1	Use, dry, repeat		All-Purpose towels	10	Need extras just in case
Bathroom towels	0	Use shirt or dry hand inconspicuously by jumping on friend's bed and wiping on blanket		Bathroom towels	4	Have Color War/Olympic colors and only allow bunkmates on same team to use
Washcloths	0	See shampoo		Washcloths	10	Throw away if it touches the shower floor
Blanket	1	To be brought straight to dry cleaner immediately after picking kid up from bus		Blanket	1	To be brought straight to dry cleaner immediately after picking kid up from bus
TOILETRIES				TOILETRIES
Toothbrush	1	No parents, no brushing.  Brush day before Visiting Day		Toothbrush	8	1 Per week plus an extra
Toothpaste	0	Borrow Goldberg's		Toothpaste	2
Hairbrush	0	Use hand		Hairbrush	3	1 each for humid, rainy and sunny days
Comb	0	Use hand		Comb	3	See Hairbrush
Soap Bars	0	See Shampoo		Soap Bars	8	Face, body, foot soaps needed
Soap Case	0	See Shampoo		Soap Case	8	Every bar of soap needs its own case, no?
Shampoo	1	Use 3 in 1 so Shampoo/Conditioner/Soap drips from head to body to clean self		Shampoo	8	1 Per week plus an extra
Carry Basket	0	See Shampoo		Carry Basket	2
Tissues	0	Borrow Goldberg's		Tissues	4	Extra boxes needed for pre-pubescent girls who need to stuff bra
Sunscreen	0	Not a chance he'll put it on		Sunscreen	4	Don't want to look like mother who grew up in the 70's-80's
Nail Clipper	0	Go to Camp Mother.  Get lice check too.  Enjoy head massage with small wooden stick		Nail Clipper	1	Plus extra nail grooming accessories for rainy bunk days
Refillable Water Bottle	0	Can't drink camp water.  Buy Aquafina for $2 a bottle in vending machine		Refillable Water Bottle	0	Can't drink camp water.  Buy Aquafina for $2 a bottle in vending machine
OTHER				OTHER
Cleats	5	Baseball, soccer, lacrosse, flag football, Gaga		Cleats	1
Laundry Bag	0	Use bunkmate's bag.  Claim it as own.		Laundry Bag	2	1 for Candy, 1 for others
Flashlight with Extra Batteries	1	Perfect for flashlight fights on bunk ceiling while being yelled at by OD counselor who is anxiously waiting to meet up with his girlfriend		Flashlight with Extra Batteries	1
Stationery, stamps, pre-addressed	2	One letter before Visiting Day to tell parents what to bring up, one for after to tell them how disappointed you were with what they actually brought		Stationery, stamps, pre-addressed	70	Only know how to text friends.  Will need to learn how to write letter, address envelope
iTouch	2	Can't run the risk of losing one with no backup		iTouch	1
Books	5	Archie Comics only paperback allowed		Books	5
Baseball hats/caps	10	9 flat lid for looks, 1 for actually playing baseball		Baseball hats/caps	1	For humid days when the flat iron is being used by Jenna Stein
Sleeping bag	1	for last night of camp.  Everyone knows you don't go camping at camp.		Sleeping bag	1	for last night of camp.  Everyone knows you don't go camping at camp.